In our Premier League Review, we discuss the main talking points from the weekend's top-flight encounters. Here, we fret over the resurgence of Manchester United.
Despite all the bleak and terrible occurrences of the last few years, the nation has been able to take solace in the decline of Manchester United. When we think about Cameron's honours list, or Farage's moustache, or the dreadful state of apathy and self-loathing to which we have all succumbed, we have at least been able say to ourselves: "Nevermind, because Manchester United are still shite." Sure, they won the FA Cup last year, but they spent the rest of the season booing their manager and watching Marouane Fellaini play up front. That was the least that United deserved, after two decades being the team of choice for school bullies, slaphead uncles and blokes down the pub who loudly celebrate goals on their own.
Now, however, the club has undergone a resurrection. With the arrival of Zlatan, Pogba and Jose Mourinho, United look to be back to their unbearable best.
During their match against Southampton on Friday evening, United looked a completely different team to that which Louis van Gaal created. Gone were the rigid, self-conscious plodders of last season, and in their place stood a team full of confidence, quality and considerable poise. United managed to make the light work of Claude Puel's men, and indeed made their 2-0 win seem remarkably routine. With walkover home games the mark of the Alex Ferguson era, it was all strongly reminiscent of a time when United were the undisputed masters of the Premier League.
If that's what the future holds for United, we may as well all give up on this life. Sack off the football, sack off Match of the Day and sack off getting up in the morning, because it's not worth it for the unrelenting misery. Schools in inner-city London will be flooded with 'Zlatan 9' shirts, it will be socially acceptable to like Wayne Rooney again, and pubs everywhere will descend into frosty silence as the local Manchester United fan comes in wearing his 'Red Devils' bobble hat. Children at family parties will be accosted by their slaphead uncles, who'll drag them intimidatingly close and say: "OH, SUPPORTING CRYSTAL PALACE LIKE YER DAD ARE YOU? WE FUCKING TONKED YOUR LOT LAST WEEK, AND I GOT THE BUS UP TO OLD TRAFFORD AND EVERYTHING, AND TELL YOUR DAD I DO GO TO MATCHES SOMETIMES, YOU LITTLE PRICK."
You can read this week's full Premier League Review here.