Obviously being dumped sucks, but being the dumper isn't fun either—especially when you know you're in the wrong and you're breaking up with someone for the pettiest reason imaginable.
Basically, if you're one of these guys.
VICE: What's the worst excuse you've ever given for dumping someone?
Lea: I once dumped someone over airplane WiFi. I said I was moving to LA to work as a runner on a reality TV show, but actually, it was because his dick was too small.
How small are we talking?
I mean, I have pretty high standards but—just too small. Like, if I put my hand around it, I couldn't see anything.
How long had you been seeing each other?
A month, maybe two.
How did you feel following the fabricated dumping?
Relieved, and also hungover, because I was on a flight back from Prague.
Did you ever hear from him again?
We actually still talk occasionally but haven't seen each other in person since—our paths don't really cross.
Did you ever confess to your lie?
He definitely knows my excuse was a lie because I made a joke about it once, but I don't think he knows it's because of his dick. I doubt it. Do they ever know?
VICE: What is your tale of shame?
Jai: I ran out on someone, then blocked their number because he wouldn't stop talking about the corporate world.
Was it a first date?
It was the second. Basically, after years of waiting for "the one" to be my first, I gave up and lowered my standards. I deciding to go on a Grindr tryst and fuck the next man to show any interest. I was young and foolish enough at the time to believe giving him my virginity meant he was worth seeing again. Unfortunately, unlike our first date—which involved little eye contact and fewer words—he decided to speak at length about his job as an investment banker. The constant mention of phrases like "big four," and "I'm going on a work trip to Dubai" made the walls of the bar we were in feel like they were closing in. I escaped to the men's room, and he creepily followed me. Somehow I broke away and then found myself running right out of the bar.
Did he try to call you?
He messaged me saying, "Are you OK?" and then promptly sent me the most horrific flash-lit dick pic. I replied telling him that I didn't think it was going to work because of his—actually tiny—dick was too big and promptly deleted and blocked his number. Thankfully I never saw him again.
VICE: What's your tale of romantic woe?
Alex: I had to end things with this girl because she lived in Tooting Bec, in south London, and no one would take us there in a cab.
Was this an excuse or a genuine reason?
Hundred percent genuine reason.
How long ago was this? I'm guessing pre-Uber.
Yeah. I'm 35 now, and this was when I was 22. So…13 years ago. Jesus. If Uber had been around, perhaps we'd have stayed together.
A whole different world. Where did you live?
I was living in north London, Primrose Hill at the time; we'd go out for drinks in Soho and try to get a black cab back to hers, but it was just impossible. We used to put a coat under her top and tell them she was pregnant—they still wouldn't go south of the river!
Could you not just go back to yours?
My place was rented off a family friend, and I wasn't allowed to take girls back. I couldn't get laid, so I had to end it. It's kind of a deal breaker for a 22-year-old.
What did you do?
Ray: I broke up with my first ever girlfriend in middle school, so I wouldn't have to tell my mom I had a girlfriend—she was chaperoning us all on a school field trip, and I freaked out and did the deed right before we got on the bus. She was crying the entire trip. When my mom asked if I knew why she was crying, I was like, "Beats me, white girls are haram, so I don't talk to them ever, love you, Mom."
Oh my God. How long had you been dating?
We were dating for the whole of Year 7. By dating, I mean holding hands and going to school things together.
Did you guys become friends again after?
Not really—we had different friend circles. It blew over in like a couple weeks—she started dating the school football team captain, I think? I was like: Good for you, man.
What's the most fragrant lie you've ever told to get out of dating someone?
Mollie: I told this girl I'd been hooking up with that I hadn't responded to her texts because I'd gone to prison. I'm a terrible person.
That's pretty extreme.
I know. I just couldn't suck it up to cut things off—we'd been on a few dates, and I just suddenly didn't feel the same way, but I didn't know how to tell her that, so I made up this ridiculous lie. The worst thing is she'd been rightly sending me pissed off texts about me ignoring her, but when I hit her with the prison line, she felt bad and started apologizing.
I'd gone to the Oscar Wilde exhibition in Reading prison for the day and in a panic used a whole lot of artistic license and told her I was in prison.
What did you do?
I pretended to have broken my leg once, so I didn't have to see my boyfriend after school. I had to hop along the train platform, so it looked real if he saw me from the opposite platform.
Did you break up after or was it just for the day?
This was the beginning of the end—we went out for like another month, but then it was over.
Did you keep the broken leg up for the next month?
Did he not suspect?
Yes. Unfortunately, he was a very clever one and figured out it was probably over. Basically, I was shit at breaking up with people, so I went to highly elaborate means to let my actions do it for me.