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Dos and Don’ts of the Burger Bash

I went to Miami Beach last weekend to judge the Burger Bash but when I got there I found out I was blacklisted from the panel. I ate almost every burger anyway and thought a Dos and Don'ts was the perfect way to convey my elation and scorn.
February 4, 2014, 4:33am

I came down to Miami Beach this past weekend to, among other things, judge the Amstel Light Burger Bash Presented by Pat LaFrieda hosted by Rachael Ray, as it is officially known. I wasn't on the panel anymore when I got there; rumor has it that I was blackballed by Anne Burrell. Who can say? But I ate almost every hamburger there–nearly 40, by my reckoning–and took pictures of all of them. Since this is VICE, I thought that a Dos and Don'ts hamburger edition was beyond the perfect way to convey my elation and scorn.

Do It's like this slider is saying, "fuck this." I am not some fat hag who needs to wear a muumuu and a shitload of makeup and a blonde wig. I am bringing it the way I am and you are going to take it and like it and beg for another one just like me.

Don't Is this a hamburger or a tumor? I can't decide. Nestled as it is in an untoasted white bun, maybe the latter, if the bun had a gray-red growth coming out of the middle and decided not to remove but to flaunt it for all the world to see.Even if you were locked in the hole for 30 days and had to eat soap to stay alive and then went on a hunger strike while your lawyer appealed your case and finally were released and given your first real meal in a year, you might be challenged to eat this hamburger. Even now I am frightened of it. It looks like it might be alive.

Do Yeah, motherfucker, I have a shitload of beer-braised fried shallots on my head. What the fuck are you going to do about it? My shit is awesome, everyone knows it, and if you were half as savory and tender as I am, you could handle it too. But you can't. So move the fuck on. I win every year and I will win this one too. Note: this burger took Best in Bash.

Don't You like a mushroom. You like a hamburger. I will put mushroom on hamburger. You like. Now here is shovel. Guard bring you more food later.

Don't When I grow up and am a big lady I will eat every hamburger covered with Nutella and live in a big house made of candy! That's what this monstrosity is saying to you, and you have to admit that it has you a little turned on. Now go kill yourself, you pervert.

Don't The ramen burger wants to be the cronut of hamburgers, a genius hybrid, but really it's more like a baby born with Harlequin ichthyosis. I don't get it at all. The outside of a hamburger is supposed to be a soft bun, not a crunchy block of noodles. The ramen burger freaks me out a little bit, to be honest.

Do Whereas the fried plantain burger is just cool. Even though it is every bit as bad. But it's Miami and you have to respect Cuban food. And I do.

Don't O heavens, I do love French dressing. Who doesn't? I wish I could go swimming in it. It's so wonderful and yummy. Yay for French dressing!

Do Every year, this by-the-book classic wins the Burger Bash even though it looks and tastes like a hamburger, only better and cut into quarters. I could eat one of these right now but the tent is dark and the joy, gone away forever.

Do A lot of chefs can make a good hamburger great, but only a few men and women would try to take McDonald's bottom end cheeseburger and try to make it good, which is basically the equivalent of taking Hostess cupcakes and recreating them note for note for why again? Whatever. These were so good, they made me sorry for McDonald's.

Do This is the last, worst piece of patty melt at the party and you know what? It was still good. Of course I was drunk. It probably looked as bad as the other one, but by then, the peyote had begun to kick in and I was down with it one thousand percent.