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So anyway, back whenBig Brother still maintained it was a "social experiment" and each episode didn’t revolve around Davina McCall fauxperventilating her way through a studio audience shrieking about “tasks", people like Jack Tweed started to arrive because people were switching off. Being a fly on the wall to a couple constructing a limerick about Shilpa Shetty in which there was (*allegedly) (*definitely) an allusion to the word "paki" in every line, makes you feel dirty in a way that no amount of
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I’m worried that perhaps you’re not well.
You’re lashing out at the people around you,
And often we hurt others
In a veiled attempt to damage ourselves. Perhaps talking to somebody might help.
I don’t think the toilet attendant at Movida
Is really the best person for the job.
Although he may offer
Some sage advice,
And knows how much cocaine you take,
Better than anybody else in the world. You are a widow,
So perhaps death
Feels strangely familiar to you,
Which is why anything relatively long-term
Makes you feel uneasy.
But that is no excuse.
For calling a pregnant person “fat”. Jack.
Maybe you’re feeling de-motivated,
Because you don’t really know what to do with your life.
Why don’t you take up an old hobby.
I heard you like golf? Whatever you do,
I don’t think you should let Hello! do a feature this time.
Because even though they covered Jade’s funeral
Really tastefully,
It’s probably time you started doing things
Without a photographer
To keep you company. I suppose really,
You should just learn to have faith in yourself.
Because as romantic as it sounds,
You probably won’t find the answer to you problems
At the bottom of a bottle,
Or between a Playboy bunny’s legs.Jack.Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandesPreviously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - The 'Semen Makes You Happy' MythCatch up on your Pretty Girl Bullshit here.