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Girl Eats Food - How to Cook Breakfast Spam Burritos

A breakfast fit for an overweight Mexican king.

One time when I was little my best friend came over for tea and a snack. My mom cooked her Spam and she was all, “EWWW that’s for poor people with fleas and scurvy and trash bags for shoes.” For years after that, I was shamed into not eating this delicious slab of reconstituted pork buttholes. When I relapsed I felt ashamed and classless, but I just couldn’t kick it. Over time, however, I learned to embrace my love for Spam. I mean, how bad can pig off-cuts kept in a tin of sodium nitrite that could survive a cockroach apocalypse really be for you? Anyway, that friend is now a recruitment consultant with shitty hair and a drinking problem, so who really won in the end? The girl who, much like Wangari Maathai, selflessly stuck up for the little guy in the meat game is who. Breakfast Spam Burritos…Sp-urritos I prefer not to think of these as a violent butchering of Latin culture, and more an experiment in fusion cuisine, like Haribo dim-sum or bush meat. This breakfast feast will instantly kill your Spam snobbery. Once you’re done, the mention of “spiced luncheon meat” will have you licking your lips instead of hunching over a toilet heaving like a slave on a Norse boat.

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Ingredients 1 x tin of SPAM
Lots x Cheese
Lots x Sour cream
1 x Onion
Lots x Peppers
3 x Eggs
Flour tortillas Step 1.

Chop all the solid shit up ready for frying. The amount really depends on how you get to work. If you're a long bus journey away, you probably don't want the meat and cheese sweats first thing in the morning.

Step 2.

Beat and set aside some eggs. I bet you'd have liked to beat off on my eggs (if only the Facebook commenting system hadn't made you so shy). Step 3.

Scramble the eggs in one pan and fry your chopped shit in another. No need for seasoning, your Spam’s been marinating in sugar and salt for the better part of a decade. Step 4.

Once the veg are limp under the strain of the Spam grease, mix errrything together to make a beautiful Mexican rainbow. Step 5.

Wrapping burritos is a delicate art, but once you’ve got the basics down the world is your big Mexican baby food sandwich. Spam, minced meat, roadkill, it's all the same in a burrito. To start, arrange a first layer of grated cheese in a 12 o’clock position. Step 6.

Spoon your Mexican Spam rainbow on top of the cheese. Don’t go too cray cray and overstuff the filling. You can always make five more for yourself, right? Step 7.

Fold over the bottom of your tortilla so the filling is just snug enough. Step 8.

Tuck over the next side to make a pouch. Step 9.

Catch the corner of the other side with a diagonal mini fold. This crucial move will stop the burrito collapsing, so you won’t have to tearfully eat any filling from your hands. Step 10.

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Finally, fold over the last side. If you ignored the not going too cray cray with the filling advice because you’re a fat, greedy bastard, just skewer that shit in place. Step 11.

Slosh more dairy on that nucca with some fancy sour cream and you’re good to go. A breakfast fit for an overweight Mexican king.

Bone-appetit!

JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT

@fuertesknight