While sex toys aren’t really my clam’s jam, now and then I stumble upon a contraption cute enough to arouse my curiosity. For example: this double-edged Jackhammer Jesus makes me want to go ass-to-ass with an old convent school gal pal. Alien dicks make me a lil’ moist too, and canine dongs leave me borderline dripping. But there’s one thing that will never ever set a fire in my oven, and that is the idea of my parents debating the merits of my sex toys.
Nothing creeps me out more than thinking about my dad thinking about my twat. Let’s face it: unless you’re the lucky scion of “open-minded caregivers” (read: brain-fried acidheads), any discussion beyond “how to not have a baby” is probably best confined to bar night bravado with your friends.
Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell, The Princess & the Penis is about a princess who can’t fall asleep because a mysterious dong is growing out of her mattress. Her new sex toy becomes the object of fixation among her entire clan, and they begin plotting ways to get rid of it. My entire family obsessively stressing while I’m fucking a ginormous dick is basically my ultimate fantasy and worst nightmare come true.
Poor Princess Amalia, however, is completely oblivious as to what the fuck keeps poking her in the back. No one has given the hapless virgin sex ed, leaving her in the dark to fondle this phantom phallus. When her parents get suspicious of her constant “napping” (sidenote: I totally used this excuse too. It’s the best!) they check in and totally bust her writhing and moaning under the covers. “It snuggled up to me just like my pet ferret!” she tells her horrified mother.
So, following the genre’s conventions, her parents advise her to fight off the ogre using three consecutive methods. First, they tell her to spray it with silvery holy water. This only makes the dick sad, and a guilt-striken Amalia puts it in between her warm legs to dry off. Second, they tell her to strike its “apples” three times. This makes it turn green, so Amalia jams it between her titties to nurse it back to health.
With their plan obviously taking a wrong turn, the royal couple busts out the big guns. They call in a suitor from a faraway land to marry the princess. Too bad Prince Rupert has an unfortunately-sized wanker, which is poetically described as “No lump in his loins/no bulk in his basket/his crotch was full of creases/his private parts mere pucker.” Is that iambic pentameter?
Anyway, after one of Amalia’s aunts fucks the neighborhood Wizard Waldorf, he reveals that the penis is actually (Surprise! Surprise!) a prince cursed by an evil spell. So Amalia does what she must: taking the warm, quivering organ into her hands, she lifts it to her lips and whispers, “I believe. I believe.” As soon as her lips make contact with its frenulum, the entire shaft bursts into beams of light, and dissipates to reveal: Prince Longwood, from the Kingdom of Schlongdia.
The Happily Ever After (more like Horny Ever After, heh) quickly follows suit, with Longwood felling Rupert with his gargantuan sword, the young couple getting married, and lucky Amalia taking long and frequent naps, forever and ever, amen.
Rating: Three dildos. I get it, alright? The thinly-veiled moral of the story is that Amalia’s strict parents should have taught her the facts of life early, so she wouldn’t have confused the peen for her new pet. But I found it repugnant to read about this elitist one-percenter enjoying her monster cock pet-whatever. I’m supposed to feel sorry for this bourgeois bitch? #Occupy dildo.