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Music

Band Chemistry - So You Want to Start a Band

Starting a band is easy, that's why almost every person you know is in one. But just because you practice every day and have an awesome logo doesn't mean you won't be the suckiest sucking band that ever sucked.

Starting a band is easy, that’s why almost every person you know is in one. But just because you practice every day and have an awesome logo doesn’t mean you won’t be the suckiest sucking band that ever sucked. So how do you avoid spending your life’s savings on a shitty demo that no one will ever listen to? How do you avoid being in a band that self-destructs the day before you go on tour? In short, how do put together a band that’s actually gonna BE something? All great (ie: functional) bands can be broken down into five definable elements.

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“THE PILLAR” AKA: THE BASS PLAYER

DESCRIPTION: Chain smoker into motorbikes and pinball. Pretty easy to get along with, and knows how to read music because they played the clarinet in high school band. They’ll bitch at you if you’re not in tune or not playing in time, but hate themselves for being such losers and will endure poor treatment and no creative input because of it. If it’s a girl bass player, then she has to be absolutely the most charming female alive or nobody will help haul her fucking amp, which weighs more then a fridge full of cement blocks.

THE UPSIDE: Keeps the tempo together. Will often put the brakes on homicidal drug binges.

THE DOWNSIDE: Can be unreliable if they have aspirations of being a lead guitar player in their own band some day. Might lead band on homicidal drug binge.

“THE VIRTUOSO” AKA: LEAD GUITARIST

DESCRIPTION: Musically on the ball. No matter what kind of music they’re into, they could transcribe Beethoven’s Fifth into 30 different guitar parts and it would actually sound amazing. Unless they’re a for-hire jerkoff who thinks that every band in town is dying for their talent, they’re probably a friendly kind of guitar teacher-type who is just happy to be out playing with their buddies and not selling pianos on commission.

THE UPSIDE: Their special spice turns good songs into great ones. Their natural charm and street-cred makes up for the poseurs in your band. Their place is often a free-for-all crash pad.

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THE DOWNSIDE: Every lead guitar player has an “inner only child” and is in desperate need of a mother figure, so they can get pretty annoying on the road. They also have no concept of time or money, so they’ll always be late, and always be broke.

“THE ARTIST” AKA: RHYTHM GUITARIST

DESCRIPTION: The main songwriter who comes up with loads of riffs. Probably does lots of jumping around and striking-of-the-pose on stage. Even if you’re their childhood friend or adopted sibling, they WILL replace you when the band gets signed. Their ego can make them a real asshole. Behind the cool, got it together image, they’re often total pussies.

THE UPSIDE: Comes up with hit songs that are simple but somehow impossible to write. He’s also the responsible one and does important shit like organising tours and hooking up with labels.

THE DOWNSIDE: He’s taking most of your money, so when the band breaks up and you go back to washing dishes, he’ll be buying a house and going on South East Asian sex tours three times a year. He also hates all of your ideas.

“THE FRONTMAN” AKA: THE SINGER

DESCRIPTION: Great at interviews, endlessly quotable, but fuck do they never shut up. Writes poetry that confuses men and enchants women under 20. Often the most marketable in terms of boyish good looks. May turn bi-sexual after tequila shots. They’re either just happy to be in a band, or they’re a pain-in-the-ass cocksucker who spends more time on hair and wardrobe then JonBenet Ramsey’s parents ever did.

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THE UPSIDE: The band’s ticket to magazine covers and glowing live reviews.

THE DOWNSIDE: Can be a moody cunt. One second they’re having a great time before a show, the next they’ve fucked off with the van because someone spilled beer on their cape.

“THE ENGINE” AKA: THE DRUMMER

DESCRIPTION: Classic drummers are usually hairy-back dudes that get the girls. Aware that they may be replaceable, they spend a lot of time making percussion arrangements needlessly complicated so it will be harder on the guy following their spot on the drum stool. You’ll never figure out if they’re really smart, or kind of stupid.

THE UPSIDE: The right drummer will take your band from “decent” to “fucking amazing” without even trying. Along with the bass player, they often have the van.

THE DOWNSIDE: Overly sensitive. If you tell them their beat’s not working or make fun of their new running shoes, it’ll tear them up inside for weeks before they say something, and then they’ll hold a grudge for about a year.

Illustrations by Justin Williams