Olive the Hairless Cat Picks March Madness Winners, Part 1

Some media outlets enlist entire staffs of college basketball experts and “bracketologists” to pick NCAA tournament games, but we’ve found that not only do so-called experts always go for the chalk and predict that three one-seeds will make the Final Four, they also have terrible hygiene habits. Fun fact: The ESPN College GameDay crew doesn’t even use toilets, they piss and shit indiscriminately wherever they happen to be. Their green room is disgusting. So we decided to go with a much cleaner, and more intelligent game picker: Olive the Hairless Cat. Here’s her predictions for Thursday’s games, along with the occasional behind-the-scenes look at her deliberation process:

Wichita State (5) vs. VCU (12)

Wichita State has decent “length,” as a scout and/or a groupie would say, but VCU is the home of GWAR and went far in last year’s tourney. Both teams are pretty exciting and one will go home unhappy, unless, that is, GWAR is on the flight home. This should be one of the better draws in the round.

Olive’s pick: VCU

Indiana (4) vs. New Mexico State (13)

It’s pretty crazy to think that no one knows where the term “Hoosier” came from.

Olive’s pick: Indiana

Olive’s pick for VCU vs. Indiana on Saturday: VCU

Murray State (6) vs. Colorado State (11)

Colorado State’s offense is a bit better than Murray State’s, but its defense is much, much worse. And Murray State has a fun name. It’s like calling a school University of Steve.

Olive’s pick: Murray State

Marquette (3) vs. BYU (14)

Here’s where we bitch that Brigham Young isn’t as good as UCLA, which didn’t make the tourney, and the Mormons at BYU don’t play basketball on Sunday because it’s the “Sabbath.” It’s the 21st century guys. Teenagers have sex, women get abortions, and you sometimes work on Sundays. Deal with it.

Olive’s pick: Marquette

Olive’s pick for Marquette vs. Murray State on Saturday: Murray State

Louisville (4) vs. Davidson (13)

The Cardinals have a much better chance of beating Davidson if Rick Pitino wears a white suit.

Olive’s pick: Louisville

New Mexico (5) vs. Long Beach State (12)

Long Beach State is one of the better low seeds in the country, but New Mexico is the best team from Mountain West. Not exactly a clash of titans here.

Olive’s pick: New Mexico

Olive’s pick for New Mexico vs. Louisville on Saturday: New Mexico

Syracuse (1) vs. UNC Asheville (16)

Syracuse center Fab Melo will not be eligible for the tourney for academic reasons, which hampers the Orange’s National Championship hopes and saddens fans of weird names everywhere. Shouldn’t matter in this game, since Asheville is not all that great at basketball.

Olive’s pick: Syracuse

Kansas State (8) vs. Southern Miss (9)

Quite a big gulf here, talent-wise, between the eight- and nine-seed, as Kansas State is among the top 25 teams in the country, per Ken Pomeroy rankings, and Southern Miss doesn’t scratch the top 50.

Olive’s pick: Kansas State

Olive’s pick for Syracuse vs. Kansas State on Saturday: Syracuse

Wisconsin (4) vs. Montana (13)

The Badgers are a four-seed, but they’re only the third best team in the Big Ten. Nonetheless, they could go farther in the tournament than say, Syracuse. Montana is on a hell of a winning streak, but Wisconsin has elite defense. You’d have to be some sort of hairless cat to predict who’d win this.

Olive’s pick: Wisconsin

Vanderbilt (5) vs. Harvard (12)

Tommy Amaker’s Harvard squad got a tough draw here against its southern counterpart, but this is the best Ivy League team since Senator Bill Bradley’s 1965 Princeton squad that made the Final Four. Amaker’s recruiting has fallen under scrutiny, especially since Jeremy Lin sucks now.

Olive’s pick: Vanderbilt

Olive’s pick for Wisconsin vs. Vanderbilt on Saturday: Wisconsin

Kentucky (1) vs. Western Kentucky (16)

They have schools in Western Kentucky?

Olive’s pick: Western Kentucky

Iowa State (8) vs. Connecticut (9)

Connecticut’s had a disappointing season but is talented, as usual. Iowa State, on the other hand, has to live with the indignity of letting human shitstain Paul Shirley graduate. The upset is that anyone buys Shirley’s book.

Olive’s pick: Connecticut

Olive’s pick for Western Kentucky vs. Connecticut on Saturday: Western Kentucky

Gonzaga (7) vs. West Virginia (10)

Remember Kevin Pittsnogle? He was kinda fat, but man could he shoot threes. There will probably be a bunch of white guys on the court at some point in this one.

Olive’s pick: West Virginia

Ohio State (2) vs. Loyola Maryland (15)

Ohio State is the best amateur team in the country—Kentucky players make more than I do—and will spank Loyola Maryland like a depressed uptown call girl.

Olive’s pick: Ohio State

Olive’s pick for West Virginia vs. Ohio State on Saturday: West Virginia

Baylor (3) vs. South Dakota State (14)

Baylor has one of the better players in the region in Perry Jones III; South Dakota State is a team of midgets—you probably don’t know if we mean short people or actual midgets, since you haven’t seen them play.

Olive’s pick: South Dakota State

UNLV (6) vs. Colorado (11)

Bill Simmons, to his credit, once remarked that Shawn Marion will go down as the greatest UNLV player in NBA history, which is absolutely insane when you think about it.

Olive’s pick: UNLV

Olive’s pick for South Dakota State vs. UNLV on Saturday: UNLV

Check back tomorrow for Olive the Hairless Cat’s picks for the rest of the Round 1 games.