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Vice Blog

PROTECT YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOUR VAGINA

There are only two things in life that I am truly afraid of: the irrational fear of being abducted by aliens, and the possibility of being raped by a homeless man. Being raped by a homeless man in the snow, to be more specific, but I won't lay the whole story out for you. It's inevitable that I'll be raped by a homeless person at some point because I choose to either live in urban areas, or hippie college towns. Plus, the mere fact that I'm a woman opens up the possibility of intercourse being forced upon me every time I leave the safety of my apartment to go check the mail, but I try not to worry too much. I've dealt with the fact that all of that is out of my hands. BUT there IS something I can do to protect myself from aliens, thank god.

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I chanced upon a site called Stop Alien Abductions on a friend's blog and felt an overwhelming sense of relief that, even on my worst days, there is no way I could entertain the thought that I'm the craziest and most awkward person on the face of the earth. Also, alien helmets could so easily be turned into the new "thing" like wearing thrift store work shirts to appear as though you're from the olden times; or like lesbians who dress like Sammy Davis Jr. and smoke pipes and collect pinkie rings.

Instructions are laid out on this site in easy to follow steps beginning with:

"Prepare for a fight. Aliens will try to stop you from wearing the helmet both mentally and physically. Remember that they can read your mind. Before you make one they may try to influence you that you don't need one. Once you start wearing a helmet they may harass you or perhaps threaten to kill a pet in retaliation."

I can't even imagine sitting in my apartment and hearing some unseen being whisper in my ear about how they're gonna kill my cat right as I'm hunkering down for a night of crafts. Too rude.

Step two warns that every homeowner should have a locked cabinet to hide their helmets because aliens have stolen upwards of ten of them, and also have sticky fingers for your sports memorabilia. Lastly, it's highlighted that once you've made your helmet, you should probs wear it 24/7 for up to nine years, after nine years you're safe and considered to be totally normal and can then marry and breed, if you haven't already.

Cool? Good.

KELLY MCCLURE