A Brief Analysis of the NSFW Nudes of Big Celebrities Holding Big Fish

Hey long story short there's this campaign called 'FishLove' where celebrities – normally quite luvvy ones, quite actor-actor ones, the ones most likely to sincerely call you "darling", I mean England's Rose Kerry Katona is not going to be doing this any time soon – celebrities pose nude with under-appreciated fish to try and convince people to stop eating over-fished stuff like cod and instead eat a snapper or a lobster or whatever. I don't really know, either. I don't really know why someone dry-humping a smooth hound shark is meant to make you want to eat it. I don't know. If we all stopped eating cod, maybe this would end.

Anyway the… the photos are quite something:

Emma Thompson and her husband Greg Wise, 56, are being profiled by Evening Standard magazine about a new yoga retreat that they've pioneered that allows you not just to swim with dolphins, but fuck them, too. "Dolphins are gentle, intelligent lovers," Thompson says, running her finger along the entire length of an eel. "I've come to a crisis more times with my cetacean lover, Nar'u, then I ever have with my husband Greg." Wise has been locked in a downward-facing dog for 55 minutes, but finds time in his breathing routine to concur. "It's true," he shouts, puce and panicked. "I can't hit the crevices Nar'u can, not even half of the time." Wise's own aquamarine lover, Lenara, a five-year-old bottlenose, has been at sea for 18 months. "She decided she needed some time apart," he says, sadly. "I track her movements as well as her fertility cycle with this iPad app." A recent fishing expedition suggested Lenara was seen in swimming in a pod with several viable bulls. "It's been tough," Wise whispers. "It's been tough."

Miriam Margolyes is the all girls' school headmistress you always thought was a bit eccentric but who properly went off the deep end when they found that boy's skeleton down by the pond.

Mark Rylance was voted 'Oxford's Favourite Street Performer' six years in a row and landed a modest book deal with Hodder after a video of his unusual technique – posing nude while wearing a swordfish on his shoulder and singing a sort of folk mash-up of the Black Eyed Peas' 'My Humps' – went slightly viral. "I'm just an ordinary man," he told the Oxford Mail. "An ordinary man whose only friend is a dead swordfish."

Ballet dancer Gary Avis has just moved in with your mum and has an extremely lax attitude towards round-the-house nudity for someone who refuses to be referred to as your stepdad. "Oh, don't mind me girls," Gary Avis says. "I'm just making your mother some dinner for when she gets in from her djembe class. Salsa verde and a big fuck off Mahi Mahi. Anyone want som—? oh, you've all eaten. Well if you could clear the front room in a bit, then, yeah? I've got to do my stretches before the Archers."

Dougray Scott wants to know what the bare minimum you'll take for this smack is, becau— oh, you don't… no, it's fine. No I wasn't going to offer you the fish! Fuck off then!

Miriam Margolyes is ruddy-boned church hall improv drama teacher you always thought was a bit eccentric but who properly went off the deep end when she got electrocuted after putting a spade through a catering marquee power supply and got set on fire in front of that wedding.

Ade Edmundson doesn't care what these so-called medical professionals or his so-called family say: he's going to shun modern medicine ("Poison.") and treat his own late-onset adenoid disorder with nothing more than a lobster-heavy diet.

Alex Jennings' one-man show, 'I Can't Believe She Left Me!', accrued Edinburgh Festival's lowest ever aggregated review score, with critics citing the 20-minute monologue where Jennings plays the role of his own prostate as being "baffling" and "uncomfortable to the point of being hate speech".

Jodhi May has absolutely fucking ruined this dinner party, like she always fucking does, I know she's your sister but I'm going to stop inviting her.

Miriam Margolyes is the kindly Oxfam volunteer you always thought was a bit eccentric but who properly went off the deep end when she went to a How to Look Good Naked roadshow and Gok Wan hauled her on stage to shout directly into the cleft of her bangers.

Miriam Margolyes is the cat-loving dinnerlady you always thought was a bit eccentric but who really went off the deep end when Idris Elba took out a restraining order out on her.

Miriam Margolyes is the vegan café-owning great auntie who you always thought was a bit eccentric but who really went off the deep end after she came back from that charity skydive everyone saw on the news.

Miriam Margolyes was a fine local mayor until she accidentally saw video footage of all those horses being shot.

Miriam Margolyes used to come to your primary school and give little lectures about Jesus but stopped after she got hit by lightning and had to go on those pills.

Miriam Margolyes is the first ever female cricket umpire you always thought was a bit eccentric but who really went off the deep end when that suspension bridge she declared herself legally married to was destroyed by the council.

Miriam Margolyes truly, truly, has her fingers too deep in that fish for this to be in any way alright.

@joelgolby

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