A Heavily Annotated Transcript of the Greatest Interview About Throwing an Egg at Boris Johnson Ever Given

What sound would Boris Johnson make as an egg hit him in the face? Slow the moment down: albumen spits through his straw-like hair. Yolk seeps down his forehead. His face moves away from the egg impact like a punch. Shell crackles in the air in pieces. There is half an eggshell, intact, moving slowly along his chin, crawling like a beetle. The rest of it is shards to the wind. And then, slowly, his big posh mouth warping around his big posh teeth, his big fat posh tongue contorting, that tongue on the end of so many Eton Messes in its lifetime, so many female aides, his entire jaw and mouth setup breathing in and then out and then making this noise: "Bally"

I think if Boris Johnson got hit in the face by an egg he just would say the word "bally".

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Boris Johnson nearly got hit in the face with an egg on Monday, but he didn't, and so we need to examine exactly why. The reason he nearly got hit in the face with an egg was: a student called Sam Griggs took three eggs to a Vote Leave rally in York, and you have to go ahead and assume he was going to throw aforementioned eggs at Boris Johnson, in the face. The reason Boris Johnson did not get hit with an egg: Sam Griggs lost his bollocks at the vital moment and decided not to throw an egg at Boris Johnson and then Boris Johnson span it into this thing about how there are "people starving in this country" and "do not throw that egg" – which cynics might say, and please remember I am not a cynic just a partisan bystander, but cynics might say the people starving in this country is more the doing of the Conservative party Boris is a prominent member of and their monstrous cuts to the benefits system and less due to one student hypothetically throwing one egg, but that's what cynics would say – and anyway extremely long story short: the egg did not get thrown. So I suppose the story here is 'a student carried three eggs into the middle of York for no real reason'.

That in itself is not a glorious moment worthy of analysis and reflection. Thankfully, though, the post-egg interview with Sam Griggs is absolutely top-to-bottom astonishing in every single way:

FULL AND COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF AN INTERVIEW WITH SAM GRIGGS, 22-YEAR-OLD EGG LIKER AND STUDENT, GIVEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE DID NOT THROW AN EGG AT BORIS JOHNSON, IN YORK:

SAM GRIGGS: Today was a protest against unserva— Conservative party. It was nothing to do with Vote Leave or the EU. It's– it's against, um. [Extremely long pause, deep inward breath]

I'VIEWER: Why why why did you want to throw an egg? Is this true?

SAM GRIGGS: The egg was to, um. Cause a scene 1. That was the point of the egg.

I'VIEWER: Were you going to throw the egg?

SAM GRIGGS: No I was not going to throw the egg. The egg was just to mess with them. That was the point of the egg.

I'VIEWER: Did you bring an egg?2

SAM GRIGG: Yes, I bought a—, a—… I bought three eggs 3, actually. So yeah.

I'VIEWER: So you had no intention—

SAM GRIGGS: No, no I had no intention of throwing them

I'VIEWER: Then why did you bring the eggs if you weren't going to throw the eggs?

SAM GRIGGS: Just to… just to make… peop—

RANDOM YORKSHIRE WOMAN WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE BENEFITS SYSTEM, STUDENT LOANS OR THE PRICE OF EGGS WORKS: Who bought the eggs if you're unemployed?

SAM GRIGGS: I—

R/Y/W/W/D/N/U/H/t/B/S/S/L/o/T/P/o/E/W: Who bought? The eggs? For you? If you're unemployed?

SAM GRIGGS: Please don't talk to me, you-you-yee-you just— what the hell are you talking about

R/Y/W/W/D/N/U/H/t/B/S/S/L/o/T/P/o/E/W: I just wanted to say who funds you? You funds your—?4

SAM GRIGGS: Well, what do you mean?

R/Y/W/W/D/N/U/H/t/B/S/S/L/o/T/P/o/E/W: Who funds your lifestyle?5

[Big weird stare off]

SOME BLOKE OUT OF SHOT: Were you expecting this level of—

SAM GRIGGS: [Still talking about his lavish egg-buying lifestyle] Student loans! I mean, I– I– I– already said student loans, I'm a student!

SOME MAN: Sam, Sam: why did Boris think you were going to throw an egg?6

SAM GRIGGS: Because I had… eggs… with me. But I'm—

[ABOUT INTENT, OF EGG VS. FACE, OF LIGHT VS. DARK, OF INTENTION]

SOME MAN: But who spotted them?

SAM GRIGGS: What?

SOME MAN: Did somebody spot them? The police, or his security, or…? Why did– why did he get to know that you had eggs?7

SAM GRIGGS: I think, I think becauth— I think because I walk round— [Sniffs once, looks into middle distance] You know, I don't want to have an interview, I don't want to have an interview. Sorry. Because—

—INTERVIEW ENDS

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What I think I love most about Sam Griggs' attempt to throw between one and three eggs at Boris Johnson's head is that is was doomed from the very start. A student turning up in the middle of York on a Monday afternoon with three eggs about his person is not a student who has spent the preceding weeks planning to throw an egg at Boris Johnson. A student turning up in York with three eggs on him is a student who woke up anywhere between 45 minutes and one hour ago, saw on Facebook that Boris Johnson was in town, and didn't even realise what he was doing until he was pulling a jacket on and leaving the house. I feel like Sam Griggs was a man surprised to find he had as many eggs in his kitchen as he had. "Alright!" Sam Griggs is saying, elated. "Three eggs!"

For his part, Sam Griggs has waded into the Independent comments section – it's a public forum – to explain what he was doing with three eggs in the middle of York while standing near Boris Johnson on Monday, saying:

But to be honest I forgive him his failed egg assassination attempt, and his shitty on-camera interview about his motive, and his oscillating relationship between the true intent of his egg-having and his eventual crumble under pressure, and I forgive him for having the temerity to be unemployed yet still have three eggs. Because at least he fucking tried to throw an egg at Boris Johnson. And who among us can say that, eh? Who among us can say that.

In short: Sam Griggs should be knighted, and that random off-camera Yorkshirewoman should be pelted with her own worst nightmare: three hen's eggs.

1. See I like this because essentially: nobody goes to a Boris Johnson Vote Leave event with three eggs just to flash the eggs at Boris Johnson as some sort of vague threat, like, 'Hey, Boris, look at this! Yeah. Three eggs. Just wanted to remind you eggs exist.' Nobody. Nobody does that. When it comes to a question of intent – did Sam Griggs ever, in his honest student heart, intend to throw an egg at Boris Johnson? – then the answer is yes. He did. Because otherwise why have an egg. But here – surrounded by reporters and authority types – he reverts to a sheepish schoolboy, sliming his way out of a telling off. It's kind of majestic to see an adult human male do this. It's like a nature documentary. ↩

2. Been watching this video all morning and typing the transcript out and let me tell you: extremely sincere questions and statements about eggs never, ever stop being funny. "Did you bring an egg?" "That was the point of the egg." "Did you want to throw an egg? Is this true?" Say the word again: egg, egg, egg. It's not a word anymore, it's not a concept. It's not anything. Egg. It's nothing. Egg. I bought three eggs. Egg. Why did you have an egg?↩

3. Three eggs suggests a man who does not trust his own aim and things he needs three shots at the champ before he lands one. Sub-question: were the eggs stored in the same jacket pocket, or separate ones? An egg is an unusual thing to have in your pocket or about your person. It is an awkward shape and fragile. I'm guessing: one egg in the front jacket pocket, one in the left, and one egg just held loosely in the hand. If so, it's likely it was the hand egg that was rumbled by the crowd: perhaps Griggs' distrust to get the ally oop it into Boris Johnson's face in one is actually his downfall, the reason he was discovered as an egg bandit. Makes you think. Really makes you think.↩

4. It has to be assumed that R/Y/W/W/D/N/U/H/t/B/S/S/L/o/T/P/o/E/W was about to say the words "who funds your eggs" at this point and was interrupted and so we, the planet, the collective of mankind, were robbed of that moment, but the intent was there – much like Sam Griggs was primed to throw an egg and but didn't, and so we're still talking about it – the intent was there to say "who funds your eggs", which I just want to zoom out and say: that is a wonderful sentence. What a jewel of a sentence.↩

5. Because again and not to pick too much on the R/Y/W/W/D/N/U/H/t/B/S/S/L/o/T/P/o/E/W but the question "who funds your lifestyle" and by extension "who funds your eggs" is a loaded question which in two or three conversational steps is destined to end up as "oh I see, IS IT THE BRITISH TAXPAYER WHO IS FUNDING YOUR EGGS?" followed by a big mad rant about tax and then, four or five steps later, "GET A BLOODY JOB YOU EGG BASTARD", because you have to assume someone who would attend a Vote Leave Boris Johnson event in the middle of the day in York has very strong opinions about i. Europe, and it's badness and ii. whether anyone near the poverty line should be legally allowed to buy eggs, whether to throw or consume.✝ ↩

✝ No I know I'm going on about it but like: who is this woman? How can you be offended by a student having three eggs? Of all the things I bought or saw bought as a student – an Xbox, a large quantity of MDMA, a big speaker, a Volkswagen, a BMX – an egg is possibly the most inoffensive. And also: how does this woman think people live? "Oh, I see: no job, is it? And yet I see you have three eggs?" I mean: that's baffling. That's insane. Who is funding your lifestyle. Three eggs costs somewhere around 40p. Who is funding your lifestyle. Who is funding your eggs.

6. At this point Sam Griggs knows he is fucked. At this point Eggy Griggs knows he is absolutely fucked. Look at this, look at him stare into the middle distance, and realise – sudden, the realisation, sudden and complete and huge – realise that he has bought three eggs to town with him and quite notably not thrown them at Boris Johnson, and that even when questioned in quite a straightforward way – the question 'why were you going to throw an egg at Boris Johnson' could, quite easily, be countered with, 'because I wanted to, and because he's a prick' – has crumbled almost instantly, and now he's just left with a pocketful of warm eggs and a small, cold feeling of regret, and he wants this hell to end:↩

7. Imagine for a moment a man in a black suit and tie with aviator shades on and speaking into his wrist while saying, "Yes, an egg. The boy without a haircut has anywhere between one and three eggs."↩

@joelgolby

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