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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - UNBOXING THE TECHNOLOGY ISSUE

The new

Technology Issue

(now on actual paper with metallic foil-embossed cover to make it look more "technological," reaching far and wide across the land over the next few days, pages and pages of stuff about modifying genetics, synthetic fabric, chopped-off monkey heads, bio-info fusion, sexy Segways, mincemeat organs, blowing shit up, and general abuse of computers) got me so excited I went out and replaced my janky motherfucking phone with a piping hot new one. And then I made the grave mistake of googling the son-of-a-bitch, because I couldn't figure out all the "apps." That's when I discovered a whole new frightening realm of pornography that involves denuding and skin without any actual humans. I'm sure the entire world minus one hundred people could fucking care less that there are dozens and dozens of videos on YouTube about

"unboxing"

(fetish speak for "I'm going to take my phone out of its packaging now and use it"), but I found the whole thing very disturbing, many flights of stairs above the level of pride and care and total weirdness of the anals who keep their sneakers really, really white. I stayed up all night watching this shit, upsetting myself over and over again. Seriously, this is the most disgusting stuff I've seen online in a long time. You'll find the creepiest offender below. Listen to it with the sound on.

Look at how this person holds the camera with one hand while silently, reverently concentrating on getting this cheap piece of shit out of its horrifically loud wrapper with the other…those spindly fingers fondling…it's all going down in Mississauga, Ontario…and the crinkling! The crinkling! Nightmares.

TEEN LAQUEEFA