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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - I DITCHED MY CAT IN THE HAMPTONS OVER THE WEEKEND

There are only a few things that a poor person can do during a day trip to the Hamptons: eat pizza, stalk Martha Stewart, and take your cat to the vet (optional). And also, stand in front of the

Grey Gardens

estate sniffing the wind for remnants of pee smell.

My cat has weird scabs, so my girlfriend and I borrowed her Mom's car and drove to the Hamptons to take him to some weird herbal vet that my boss recommended. After literally blowing every cent in my bank account on scab relief pills, we decided that he's too expensive to keep around…and took off in search of a good place to dump him. I felt remorseful, having never even considered ditching a pet before, so we spent some quality goodbye time with the cat by peering through the bushes in front of Martha Stewart's house.

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Her house is really far away from the road, and we stood literally inside of her bushes for a very long time. I wanted to see her doing something illegal, like a vigorous yoga routine to the tune of Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy," but all we saw was patio furniture and tea set shit. It was obvious at that point where we were going to part ways with my cat, as the

Grey Gardens

estate was right down the road, so we hauled his cat carrier down there and left it in the scraggly brush.

A totally different family of old people live there now, but I'm sure they'll get the reference. It's all about loving cats. I like to think of it as not so much abandoning a helpless animal, but adding to a legacy of sorts.

KELLY McCLURE PS: Hello in there?

She was kidding.