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Vice Blog

DEAR VICE - Americans are Christian


Few people want to admit it but America is Christian. 80% to be exact. It's not just on Sundays either. They are Christian right down to their very core. Even their farts are Christian. Even their foreign policy is Christian. Even the way they convict people is Christian. Seriously.
They are obsessed with how people look in the courtroom. If someone "shows remorse" on trial or on 60 Minutes they are innocent. If they seem cold or distant they are guilty. I don't know about you but every time I hear devastating news or am in very deep shit (guilty or innocent) I zone out. Shit, even when I'm arguing with my girlfriend my counterpoint rarely gets better than, "…"

I remember when I was a kid and my Dad was trying to help me with math. The pressure would be on and I'd just blank. He'd say, "What are you thinking right now?" Because I looked like Gary Gilmore and I didn't know how to tell him, "Nothing. Nothing at all." Look Christians, just because the guy doesn't cry and say, "It wasn't me" doesn't mean he's guilty. In fact, I'd argue the opposite. The better you are at fitting the remorse mold the more of a cold-hearted killer you must be. Pressure makes you act weird.
Of course, you can't tell Christians that. They are convinced bad people look bad and only good guys wear white. That's why they do that stupid thing where they look you in the eyes to see if you're lying (kind of like that weird look Larry David does – I know he's Jewish but you know Christians are one, small, Jesus is Magic DVD away from Christians). Christians believe everyone is a sweetheart and all you have to do is give them a good stare and you'll be able to see if the devil crept in.
The same attitude prevails in their foreign policy. Christians are all about traveling around the world and rescuing people from evil. They think everyone who isn't taught the Christian way will end up in hell. The same thing is going on today only it's democracy instead of Christianity. 400 years ago the missionaries came to North America to teach the aboriginals about Jesus. The Indians weren't into it and pulled out the missionary's fingernails. In Iraq they chop your head off. The point is Americans have been doing Christian stuff like this forever and it's not going to change anytime soon. It's in their nature. They think the whole world is their responsibility and getting rid of evil is a cinch.