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Vice Blog

SAN FRANCISCO - FREAKLOOSE

As if prom wasn't gay enough already, this year one high school in a small, undisclosed town is taking measures turn the last vestige of teenage wastedness into a snoozefest nonpareil. Completely ignoring the fact that booze, weed, and pills can be stored in socks, underwear and a variety of body cavities, the faculty are banning banal items such as gum, deodorant and chapstick. To quote the newspaper, "a stick of gum can be used to smuggle in liquid ecstasy" and "buried deep within a tube of chapstick, any number of pills can slip undetected past chaperones." Even deodorant is banned since "students roll up and remove the deodorant from it's casing, hiding anything from a handful of pills to marijuana in the tub, then roll the deodorant down." Fuck are kids clever these days. Also, how are they getting their hands on these mountains of pills and liquid ecstasy? When I was in school we were lucky to get lysol and a paper towel.

In any case I can foresee only two possible outcomes from these rules. The first is that kids will do as they've always done, which is just slam down a bunch of vodka in the parking lot and then spend the evening barfing behind the bleachers and having terrible hotel sex in a room with two other couples. Or maybe the faculty will win out and  the night will be forever frozen in first 10 minutes of a John Hughes prom-phase where no one has fun and the nerd never gets the hot chick (because she won't be drunk enough). Oooh, or maybe some renegade new student from a big city will show up and get so monumentally trashed that it'll convince the town's preacher to let the kids do drugs. (PS: I know these "no freaking" signs are the type of thing they sell at Spencer's, but it should be noted that the sign appeared not only on the front of the Napa Valley Register, but posted around the campus as well. It was reported that some students freaked the sign.) PENELOPE BONER