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Vice Blog

JEFF JOHNSON POOHS YOUR BAYS - FINAL DERBY DIARY

Previously: Derby Diary-Bob Nasatanovich

OK, here’s my not very inventive trifecta box, after not nearly enough homework:
9- Pyro at 6-1.
15 Adriano 30-1.
20-Big Brown at 3-1‚ĶEven though Big Brown is way outside, and traditionally that 20 spot doesn’t bode well for horses in the Derby. "Big Brown could come away unscathed and get a good trip and do something that hasn't been done since Clyde Van Dusen in 1929, and that is win the Derby from the 20 post."

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Additionally, Nastanovich’s riff on Adriano won me over, but then there is this fact: "racing pundits question whether Adriano can pass the test on dirt - in his only race on dirt, Adriano finished ninth on Feb. 24 in the Fountain of Youth Stakes at Gulfstream Park", which concerns me. So I imagine today will be a day where I go to OTB and do a bunch of strange, last minute noodling. Actually, I’ll probably wait until Saturday morning to venture out and part with my money.

I’ll also throw a bet down on Eight Belles simply because I want crazy shit to happen. Though at 15-1, it doesn’t seem that crazy—racing only against fillies thus far, she’s not lost a race in 2008. But she would only be the fourth filly in history to win the Derby. She has a slight weight advantage going in:

"Fillies in the Derby receive a five-pound weight allowance from the colts. Eight Belles will carry only 121 pounds against the 126 pounds for the males, a nice edge in a mile-and-a quarter race.

"Eight Belles, who will be ridden by Gabriel Saez, a gifted 20-year-old Panamanian with a future, has won her last four races, all around two turns."

Finally, what I’ve read about Denis of Cork so far makes me like him. And he did win the Kindergarten Derby this year as well.

Sometimes a horse’s name can put me off of them:

Cool Coal Man—sounds a song you hear on a Blues Cruise, as a guy next to you wipes his rib-sauced fingers on the ass of his dancing wife’s shorts.

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Tale of Ekati—too Harry Potter

Anak Nakal—Former bassist for System of a Down. (also, this horse’s best finish in 2008 is 5th place).

Court Vision—cliché

Z Fortune—Either a Bette Middler movie, or someone in The Like. Don’t want any part of it.

Big Truck—stable mate is Compact Car. Way to pull out all the stops. This horse freaks me out. It won the Tampa Bay Derby in March, then finished 11th in the Blue Grass Stakes a month later.

Visionaire—All I see is Kanye West and those Venetian sunglasses.

Colonel John—I can only think of a guy who looks like Dr. John who is also constipated but would like another helping of dumplings. Fuck off.

Z Humor—come on.

Smooth Air—Sounds like the name of the radio station Howie Mandel insists on listening to when he’s making love.

Bob Black Jack—long-haired 45-year-old guy who has a small lawn mower repair business, listens to Y&T, smokes menthols, eats hoagies, and talks about "pussy."

Monba—Peruvian candy bar with cinnamon and puffed rice. Tastes good.

Cowboy Cal—unfortunately this guy comes to mind.

Recapturetheglory—I’ve never been a fan of the phasethat’sallstrungtogether as a name.

Gayego—This is an awesome-looking horse, actually. And at 15-1, I may put money on it. Pretty great name as well.

JEFF JOHNSON