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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - WHO DARES GET THE WHALE? UPDATED


OK, not a great photo, but Holy Fucking Shit! Read this shit right now! Somebody on craigslist--wait, let's start that over--Somebody amazing on craigslist is trying to get rid of their 20-feet-long fiberglass killer whale--20-feet-long killer whale! Do you have a flatbed truck? No? OK, do you want to go in on a flatbed truck with us? (We are being one-hundred percent serious, but you have to have some sort of flatbed connection and you need to call us, like, this minute.) Seriously though, we cannot blow this. When the hell are we ever going to have a chance to own a giant museum whale again? We need this whale. Just think of all the things we could do with this…

-Get some "cool" graffiti on the side and hang it from the office ceiling. Or put it on the roof.
-Hollow it out, then form a band called Jonah and you only play inside the whale's belly.
-Rent a truck and drive it around with a guy in the whale, like David Blaine. They get money if they stay in there but we totally fuck with them to try and make them quit. We'd also need to get a high-pressure hose and 100lbs of shrimp, but then it'd be like "HERE COMES DINNER, ASSHOLE" and it all comes spraying in and they have to eat all the shrimp (this one was Christy from Cheeseburger's suggestion).
-Maybe get that actor Jonah Hill to live in it. Like Jonah Hill in the Whale: The Show (also Christy).
-Just dump it in the middle of Bedford Ave at 2 in the morning and make it stink real bad so there are like tons of seagulls everywhere fucking shitting on everything (Christy).
Update: -Set it on fire outside of city hall with some indecipherable political slogan like "END HHRKD NOW!" so nobody has any idea who did it or why.

Second Update: What would YOU do with the whale? The best suggestion wins a drawing of a whale by Christy. The judge for the competition will also be Christy.

Holy shit. This is going to be so good. Please call right now: 718-233-3651