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Vice Blog

LONDON - HOW TO BE A PROTESTER (IN THE UK)

A few days ago we released some photos taken by Greek anarchists during their recent protests. There were photos of teenagers carrying petrol bombs and smashing pillars to use the rocks as ammunition against the police. The situation looked was pretty intense. Last Monday however, Britain threw its own contribution into the revolutionary stew. Yes, Britain awoke to the news that a bunch of activists called Plane Stupid! had chained themselves to the runway at Stansted Airport. Britain rolled over and went back to sleep. Britain had heard many similar things before. Britain slept on, dreaming of riding through a supermarket on the back of a sexy dolphin. In the end, Britain woke up twenty minutes late and missed its train.

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Monday's militants certainly weren't the first bunch of direct action protesters. From Suffragettes lobbing themselves under the King's horse, to Swampy, to lesbians abseiling into the House Of Lords, to a disgruntled dad dressed as Batman scaling Buck House, this nation has a proud tradition of wacky stunt-politics.

And you can be a part of that proud tradition. Haven't you always wanted to be part of a proud tradition? It sounds good, doesn't it? It sounds like the sort of thing your dad would've wanted you to do. Well it's easy; soon you could be featured as 'unidentified man' on Sky's Breaking News ticker. Just follow our handy primer.

Stunt protesting

Causes
Decide on a single issue close to your heart. Unfortunately most of the better ones have already been claimed, so you may have to make-do.

Taken: Anti-fur.
Free: Anti-fir.

Taken: Fathers For Justice.
Free: Pounds For Paedos.

Just experiment and see what works. In truth, the cause isn't as important as the ability to look good in a cape.

Activities

There's a pretty simple formula for these:

[Famous Landmark] + [Bizarre Mode of Dress] + [Poetic Symbolism] + [Obstruction] = Protest

For instance, if your cause is Cornish separatism, then maybe try:

We're going to [St Paul's Cathedral], dressed as [Conquistadors] + [lobbing Cornish pasties at tourists] while [filling in the crypt with six tons of cement] = give us our own homeland.

Or, if it's a right-to-die movement, then maybe:

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We're going to [Chessington World Of Adventures], dressed as [yeti] + [with nooses around our necks] while [chaining ourselves to the sea-shell rides] = let me give my wife a state-sanctioned lethal injection.

Manifestos
Issue a manifesto. It should be slightly beyond what you actually want, so that you can bargain your way back. Thus, when it does come time to make peace with the authorities, you can make compromises like: "Ok, forget the cake in the shape of Mariah Carey's talking tumor. We'll just take independence."

Symbolic destruction
Your piece de resistance should be an act of unmistakable symbolism in which you destroy the icon of your enemy.
For instance, if you're protesting in favour of abortion rights, chop up some foetuses.
If it's anti-capitalism, burn a bagful of money.
If it's pro-women's rights, smash some testicles.

Avoiding police counter-measures.
Tear gassing
The best way to fight tear gas is with laughing gas.
For mustard gas, simply release some ham gas and brown bread gas.

Tazers
Unfortunately, it's difficult to combat tazers outright, but you might want to strap some rechargeable batteries to your body to take advantage of the free electricity.

Remember
Whatever you do, don't let the police talk you into coming down from your protest perch "just for a quick chat". They want to hurt you.

GAVIN HAYNES