What It Would Take for Your Team's GM to Get Fired

NHL general managers are notoriously hard to fire. They are like cats; they have nine lives but always seem to extend that to 10 or 11 by pushing a coach into the volcano or assigning blame to a fledgling player who is eventually part of a trade designed to make the team better.

So what would it take for the 31 current GMs to lose their job? Great question. Here are the answers.

John Chayka, Arizona Coyotes
Jason Botterill, Buffalo Sabres
Dale Tallon, Florida Panthers
Rob Blake, Los Angeles Kings
George McPhee, Vegas Golden Knights
Pierre Dorion, Ottawa Senators

Everyone here started in 2016 or sooner and has at least eight lives left. Hell, Tallon is basically the child from Pet Sematary—he was killed, buried, left for dead, now he's back and murdering everyone within 100 feet and there's no stopping him. The Tallon you know is gone forever and all that's left is the ruthless death machine behind that desk in Sunrise.

Then you have Chayka, who is probably too fluent in brand-speak to ever get fired.

"John, we have to let you go."

"But my youth allows me to create socially branded content, with scale across multiple platforms to secure actives and casuals that leads to partnerships with hockey influencers and engagement."

"What?"

"Bitcoin."

"OK, fine, whatever, so you want to sign Zac Rinaldo?"

Botterill just gave $80 million of Terry Pegula's money to Jack Eichel; Blake is a former Kings player so he'd have to throw Wayne Gretzky off the roof of Staples Center to get fired, and McPhee works for a guy who can't figure out how PowerPoint works. "Pierre Dorion" sounds like the name of the lead character on the French language version of Dawson's Creek and he just got the crummy Senators to within one goal of a Cup Final so he'll be in Ottawa until 2036.

Ron Francis, Carolina Hurricanes
Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche
Don Sweeney, Boston Bruins
Garth Snow, New York Islanders
Ron Hextall, Philadelphia Flyers

Here's what these six guys have accomplished in a combined 22 seasons as NHL general managers:

Playoff appearances: 6
Playoff wins: 15
Playoff series wins: 1

Sakic has basically been the captain of the Titanic, steering a once-promising Avalanche team into an iceberg and sinking the franchise to depths that have only been touched by NHL expansion teams. Yet he remains in the job because… he's a former boating champion? And yet after one of the biggest disasters in NHL history, he's walking around the shipping company's offices charting paths through the Atlantic for future voyages.

Some of these guys took over bad situations, but I'm at a loss to find a realistic scenario that would get any of these guys fired. I'm pretty sure Snow could pull a George Costanza and drag the 1980s Islanders Stanley Cup banners behind his car on Atlantic Avenue and he'd still be allowed to sign aging players to Andrew Ladd-type contracts.

Hextall could go on Philadelphia radio and declare cheesesteaks to be, "as overrated as Bobby Clarke" and maybe he's suspended one week with pay. Being a former NHL great in a front-office role is the best gig in sports.

Ken Holland, Detroit Red Wings
David Poile, Nashville Predators
Stan Bowman, Chicago Blackhawks
Steve Yzerman, Tampa Bay Lightning
Jim Rutherford, Pittsburgh Penguins

You will have to wheel these guys out of the building in body bags. At worst, they get bumped upstairs to cushy gigs or retire to tropical islands. Holland could run onto the ice at the Red Wings' home opener with a bubbling-hot slice of Little Caesars tied to his penis and the response would be, "Wow, he's clearly showing the players what it will take to win this year, that's inspirational."

Poile would have to trash Blake Shelton and Bowman would have to get caught on tape referring to deep dish pizza as, "Pizza if pizza could take a shit."

These guys are all untouchable but mostly because they've been good at their jobs for a long time.

Jim Benning, Vancouver Canucks
Jeff Gorton, New York Rangers
Brad Treliving, Calgary Flames
Doug Armstrong, St. Louis Blues
Jim Nill, Dallas Stars

How many people outside New York think Glen Sather is still the GM of the Rangers? I'd bet a lot. The Rangers could tank this season with Kevin Shattenkirk stinking up the ice and there'd probably be a few people calling Mike Francesa and screaming, "The Rangiz need to fire Sather! He's a bum!" So firing the actual guy would be pretty easy for owner Jim Dolan, who could do it for no reason at all when you think about it.

I won't lie—when I looked up the list of current GMs, I was surprised Benning still has the job. Trevor Linden hasn't pushed him out a window yet? Go figure. Same thing in Calgary with Treliving and team president Brian Burke, who could sneak up behind Treliving with a gentle hug that turns into a swift neck break.

Armstrong and Nill have played their "get rid of the coaches" card so if things go sideways this season again, this could be it.

Bob Murray, Anaheim Ducks
Kevin Cheveldayoff, Winnipeg Jets
Chuck Fletcher, Minnesota Wild
Doug Wilson, San Jose Sharks

Wilson (2003), Murray (2008), Fletcher (2009), and Cheveldayoff (2011) have 34 combined years on the job without a championship and the only time any of these guys even tasted the Stanley Cup Final was when Wilson's Sharks got there in 2016. What's kept Wilson, Murray, and Fletcher around is consistent regular season success; what's kept Cheveldayoff around for six seasons without a playoff series win is… honestly, you tell me. It's not like the Jets don't have talent, because they do. It's not like Cheveldayoff was a big piece of Jets or Thrashers championships. His teams have underwhelmed for 1.5 presidential terms and he just received an extension?

All of these guys should be one more playoff miss from being out on their asses but nothing about their tenures follows logic.

Jarmo Kekalainen, Columbus Blue Jackets — He could guide the Blue Jackets to a never-ending series of first-round playoff exits and keep the job until the FBI swoops into Columbus and arrests everyone involved with the Ohio State football program, forcing residents to actually care about the Blue Jackets and notice what's happening.

Peter Chiarelli, Edmonton Oilers — He gave the fans their first taste of the playoffs in a decade, so he could throw Wayne Gretzky off the roof of… wait, used that joke already… he could throw Mark Messier off the roof of whatever the name of the new arena is and keep the job for five more years. He planted the seeds of his demise in a bunch of bad contracts the past two years so he should finally be out of lives some time around 2021.

Marc Bergevin, Montreal Canadiens — Consider how hard it would be to replace Bergevin—the Habs would need to find a former player who speaks French and owns gaudy suits. OK, so that probably won't be hard. He should be one more shitty season away from getting canned but not in this league.

Ray Shero, New Jersey Devils — He will be GM of the Devils until nuclear winter prevents hockey from being played in the northeast or a better job comes along.

Lou Lamoriello, Toronto Maple Leafs — You know the episode of Seinfeld where nobody wants to fire Raquel Welch, who won't move her arms when she dances, because everyone is afraid of her? That's the Leafs front office right now. The next assistant GM they hire will solely be there to fire Lamoriello and absorb the beating of his life.

Brian MacLellan, Washington Capitals — He's been the GM of two Presidents' Trophy teams and three playoff disappointments. What is the equivalent of that in other jobs? Maybe he'd be the host of one of those shows that builds houses for people and then the house collapses six months later all the time? That should get you fired but it will probably get MacLellan eight more years on the job.

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