Madam Tussauds in Times Square is where unlucky tourists go when they have literally no idea what to do in New York besides wandering around Times Square. Still, the wax museum is a certain kind of New York institution, a reliable spot to take weird selfies or celebrate Valentine's Day by snuggling with a terrifying waxwork Tom Hardy, if that's what you're into. Over the weekend, it also became the scene of an unhinged, bafflingly violent crime.
According to the NYPD, a man started shouting at a statue of Diddy at Madame Tussauds on Saturday night, knocked it over, and fully decapitated the thing, NBC New York reports. He then, uh, mercilessly stomped Diddy's wax head to a pulp and ran away.
Police are on the lookout for the unknown assailant, who was reportedly dressed in jeans and a black hooded jacket at the time. He was also, presumably, sporting a pair of very waxy shoes. Other details about the incident are pretty scarce at this point, leaving us with some pressing questions—so, so many questions. First and foremost:
What did Diddy do to you?
Was this a premeditated attack? Were you incensed over Diddy's back and forth about changing his name to "Brother Love"? Have you not read the music mogul's surprisingly sweet tweets about how much he loves you? The Diddy statue was reportedly on the ninth floor of Madame Tussauds—the place is huge—so you would've had to make your way through floors upon floors of other wax statues, John Wick-style, until finally reaching your target. What kind of weird rage could have possibly carried you up all those stairs?
When you step on a wax head, does your foot get stuck like stomping on a pumpkin, or what?
What's inside a wax statue, anyway? Is there some kind of skeletal frame made of chicken wire or whatever, or is it just wax through and through? From the look of the one and only crime-scene photo, it appears to be hollow, gumball-style—but it's unclear if the wax was hard enough to shatter right away or if the first stomp put you ankle-deep in Diddy's noggin. And after the deed was done, when you finally came out of your blind Diddy fury and fled Madam Tussauds, did you slip and slide across the floor, your shoes slick with Diddy wax? These are important facts. These are things we need to know.
Are you a frustrated wax artist jealous of how stunningly lifelike Diddy's statue is?
Most wax statues are fucking terrifying. Just look at the goddamn horror that is this statue of Donald Trump, or that uncanny army of Jimmy Fallons. But somehow, Diddy's statue looks… actually really good? How is that even possible? There's a chance the attack wasn't aimed at Diddy—perhaps it was some kind of weird, envy-fueled response to the incredible artistry behind the statue itself. Maybe the sheer magnificence of the replica sent our assailant spiraling out of control, filled with an unbearable jealousy, knowing that his puny hands could never carve such a perfect facsimile of the human form.
So someone has to carve a whole new Diddy statue now?
Man, that sucks. Ostensibly, some poor wax artisan woke up to an emergency text late Saturday night containing a dire message: Diddy is gone. We need a new Diddy. Also, someone has to scrape this squished wax off the floor. Maybe bring a putty knife or something? Thx.
Were you just pissed about having to pay $30 to look at some giant candles?
It costs $29 for a basic ticket to Madame Tussauds. If you want the whole package deal, you're going to have to shell out upwards of $50, which is a pretty hefty price tag. Could that have been enough to compel a man to scream into the lifeless eyes of a waxwork Sean Combs, rip off its head, and stomp the dismembered skull into oblivion? You're in Times Square, man. If you don't want to spend money, go literally anywhere else.
Do you, dear reader, have answers to any of these questions? Are you the mysterious wax Diddy assailant himself? If so, please hit us up. We'll update this post if and when we learn more.
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