I will never again think fondly of that mechanical voice from my childhood Bop-It toy, commanding “Flick it! Pull it! Twist it!” That memory is over and ruined, thanks to this cursed amalgamation of a sex toy from adult game maker Nutaku called the Flick ‘N’ Jerk.
In a press release, Nutaku says it was created in celebration of National Masturbation Day, which falls on May 28. The toy is a 4-in-1 wheel of sexual stimulation in the same ninja-star shape of the Bop-It Extreme, each prong featuring a different toy: A Fleshlight-esque “stroker,” a dildo, a vibrator, and buttplug that “fits every butthole!” Bold claim for a bold invention.
I’ll be honest, every orifice on my body is clenched at the sight of this thing. How would one even get any part of this… up in there? In anywhere? How do you hold it for the fleshlight part? How do you maneuver it at ALL? I have questions.
Needing company for my misery, I showed the Fuck-It to discerning teledildonics developer Kyle Machulis over Twitter messages. His reaction, after the initial shock, was not what I expected: “I love it,” he said. “That is amazing and I'm frankly surprised it doesn't exist already.” In hindsight, I shouldn’t be surprised at this reaction, Machulis’ recent projects including a system for turning any game into something you can put up your butt.
“I cannot… I can't figure out… the ergonomics!!!” I replied, grasping for some solidarity in my horror. “Leave that to the properly motivated user,” Machulis said. “They always manage to find a way, even if it isn't a good idea.”
I’ve requested a review unit of the Flick ‘N’ Jerk so I can decode this puzzle for myself, and a spokesperson for Nutaku has promised to send me one “when they ship,” which will be “probably in December.” That’s fine. I will wait with the patience of a thousand monks if I have to. The Fuck-It will be my holy grail.