This week in Bachelor Nation is typically "fantasy suite" week, where the Bachelorette takes each of her horny suitors on one-on-one dates and then they are finally allowed to fornicate if both parties consent. After nine weeks of Bryan's horrifying, sloppy kisses, I'm certainly ready for the contestants to just get it over with already.
But Rachel introduces a twist! Instead of inviting the men to sex, she invites them to meet her family in Dallas, Texas. Rachel's sister, Constance, is pregnant and due any moment, so this is the only time the men will be able to meet the family before the show ends.
Peter is first up, and Rachel takes him to buy a gift for her sister's baby as well as her three-year-old nephew. They shop around for small clothes, presumably imagining the potential future when they're shopping for small clothes for their own child. Meanwhile, I'm compulsively imagining what Peter was like in high school because I recently took the liberty of Instagram stalking him, and last month he posted a #tbt photo from his yearbook.
In the photo, as you can see, he has a goatee, a diamond earring, a bad haircut, and is absolutely not hot. He looks like an extra in a Kevin Smith movie. How and when did he become hot? The rest of his Instagram photos show the Peter we know and love: an extremely hot person who has abs and was a male model. I'm truly baffled. "Don't forget Destiny," his yearbook quote reads—perhaps becoming hot was simply written in the stars.
Besides his otherworldly transformation, it's also strange that over a decade ago Peter had resolved to be on The Bachelor, and here he is. If he doesn't end up the winner this season, he's definitely a strong candidate for the next Bachelor. Weeks ago I had proposed that Peter is a robot, but now I have a new theory: Peter is a powerful male witch.
Anyway, back in Dallas, hot Peter is about to meet everyone in Rachel's family except for her dad. (Rachel's dad is a federal judge and simply cannot be on a reality TV show that an adult man named "Whaboom" [RIP] once appeared on.) Before that, however, Peter lets Rachel know that he's falling in love with her, since he didn't make that clear last week. Rachel says that she's also also falling in love with him.
Rachel's family similarly appears to fall in love with Peter. They like that he's taking it slow since they're also skeptical of "the process." Plus, Rachel was just in Houston with the previous Bachelor, Nick Viall. Everything seems to go well, but it's worth noting that Constance's husband, who is white, is extremely awkward. When he sits down with Peter to question him, he says, "Rachel's not perfect. What kind of items do you see that are, not necessarily of concern, but of note?" which is not how normal people talk. Rachel's dog, Copper, also makes a welcome cameo.
Next up is Eric, who continues to blossom as he discovers love. Watching Eric is sort of like watching an infant take its first steps. It's totally scary, but also thrilling and heart-warming. On one hand, I fear that Eric's emotions are being manipulated by the Stockholm syndrome-inducing structure of the show, but, on the other, it's adorable to hear him constantly exclaim how happy he is.
He tries to convey this enthusiasm to Rachel's family, who aren't sure if he's ready for marriage since he's never been in a serious relationship before. Eric tells Rachel's mom that, while he hasn't said he's in love with Rachel, he really cares about her. Eric then makes a vow to Rachel's mom to love and protect Rachel, to valiantly fall on whatever sword needs falling on, to stand in the rain for hours, for no reason, risking deathly pneumonia, to kill anyone who even looks at Rachel the wrong way, and, most importantly, to compromise, and Rachel's mom gives Eric her blessing.
While Eric makes his blood oath, Peter is back at the hotel with Bryan, whom I dislike. And apparently Peter hates Bryan as well. "What's awkward is having to sit her with her other boyfriend and know that her other boyfriend is meeting her family," he says to Bryan. "I don't want to be sitting here with you right now, I'm not going to lie." Later, to further disgrace Bryan on television, Peter starts a rumor that Bryan has cheek implants.
"For Peter's fantasy suite date, Rachel takes him to a vineyard. There, a male witch, who seems far more powerful than Peter and lives in a wine cave, curses Peter with a Spanish song of death."
At first, Rachel's family also dislikes Bryan. (We also learn that Rachel thought Bryan was a "douchebag" when she first met him!! I will cherish that fact forever [until this show is over].) Because of Bryan's eerie confidence, Rachel's family is convinced that Bryan is an abnormal freak—or otherwise disingenuous. They don't quite believe that Bryan is in love with their daughter after such a short time and they grill him with questions. Rachel doesn't understand why they're being so tough on Bryan, and her family has to remind her that it's really weird to marry someone after you've known them for nine weeks. But despite all that, Rachel's mom is like, whatever who cares, and gives Bryan her blessing.
Now we're finally at the fantasy suites as Rachel and her three boyfriends jet off to Spain. Eric gets the first date—a scenic helicopter ride—where he officially tells Rachel that he's in love with her. It's definitely the right moment for this confession, since Rachel has been seeking clarity from Eric after hometowns. They head off to the fantasy suite and everything seems kind of perfect. Too bad this will probably all be taken away from us shortly.
For Peter's fantasy suite date, Rachel takes him to a vineyard. There, a male witch, who seems far more powerful than Peter and lives in a wine cave, curses Peter with a Spanish song of death. The male witch then gives the couple a key to a wine cage with their name on it. While drinking the bottle, which is surely also cursed, Peter brings up the fact that he's still not ready to propose. But before Rachel can respond, a sad child comes up to them. The sad child gives Rachel a handful of flowers (weeds?) and then takes them both to smash grapes with their feet.
Rachel and Peter continue their conversation later that evening: Peter tells Rachel that, to him, getting engaged would mean that he has decided to get married. Rachel tells him that, to her, an engagement just means they would continue to date, but very seriously. The disagreement is very confusing and seems based around something arbitrary: a ring. If, in Rachel's eyes, an engagement doesn't automatically equal marriage, why does she need to be engaged? The episode ends as Rachel starts to cry and Peter basically just stares at her. Does this mean we don't get to see what Peter looks like the morning after?