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27 Signs You Are Morally Required to See 'Crazy Rich Asians'

Don't make me @ you.

Crazy Rich Asians debuted this week, and for a romantic comedy that might typically be dismissed as a "chick flick," it’s premiering under monumental expectations. That’s because it’s the first major movie with an all-Asian and Asian-American cast set in modern day since The Joy Luck Club came out 25 years ago. Naturally, it was deemed a major cultural moment before it even hit theaters.

No single movie can (or should even be pressured to attempt) to capture the experiences of every Asian person—but Crazy Rich Asians is still being hyped as the golden ticket that just might convince our white Hollywood overlords our stories are worth telling! So many takes have been took about this Asian movie, its Asian cast, and our Asian future that it’s almost as if it’s a terrible idea to determine the value of representing entire populations with the success of one film. But since the world is a horrible place filled with terrible people, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.


So, yes, I’m going to throw my money at this film in the hopes that it’ll help Asians get more jobs in the overwhelmingly white entertainment industry. And honestly, you should, too—especially if you’ve ever tried to make a show of the fact that you “appreciate” Asian culture or have ever perpetuated harmful stereotypes about Asians. Inspired by Lena Waithe’s iconic tweet, I decided to let people who have ever tried to poison my life with their Asian fetish know that they can attempt to make penance by bankrolling my Crazy Rich Asians viewings. But why stop there?

You should absolutely buy tickets to Crazy Rich Asians simply out of a respect for our culture if you’re not Asian but you have:

  • Gotten a tattoo in any Asian language
  • Only dated Asian woman (your "type?" it’s a fetish!)
  • Asked an Asian girlfriend to dress up as a schoolgirl
  • Worn chopsticks in your hair
  • Sported a nón lá in any setting besides a farm in Asia
  • Worn a qipao, kimono, or other traditional Asian clothes—especially if you wore it to prom
  • Made fun of Asian classmates/coworkers for their "smelly" food
  • Said kimchi was gross
  • Spread the evil myth that MSG is bad for you
  • Worn any sort of geisha-inspired Halloween costume
  • Asked an Asian person where they’re "really from"
  • Told an Asian girl she looks like Lucy Liu
  • Told an Asian guy he looks like Jackie Chan
  • Expected every Asian person to be an expert on anime—or worse, assumed that they're able to draw anime
  • Referred to an American-born Asian as an "immigrant"
  • Unnecessarily used the descriptor "Asian" to describe someone’s features, like "your beautiful Asian hair" or "your tight Asian pussy"
  • Made or laughed at jokes about Asians being good at math
  • Made or laughed at jokes about Asians eating dogs
  • Made or laughed at jokes about Asian men having small penises
  • Made or laughed at jokes about Asian languages sounding like “ching chong”
  • Made or laughed at jokes about all Asians looking the same
  • Put "no Asians" in your dating profile
  • Put "into Asians" in your dating profile
  • Loved that Weezer song about the half-Japanese girls
  • Loved that Weezer song about an underage fan in Japan
  • Just loved Weezer
  • Loved Mark Wahlberg despite the fact that he hate-crimed two Asian men in 1988

In fact, everyone should buy one Crazy Rich Asians ticket for every ticket they’ve ever purchased to see a Mark Wahlberg movie. And then they should buy one more.