Coachella is upon us, and this year festival-goers are finally getting what they've been waiting for: Bey fuckin' yonce. Considering she had to cancel last Coachella, has she's since given birth to twins, and has set a pretty high bar for live performances, we have some totally and completely reasonable predictions for what's going to happen when she performs Saturday night at Coachella. Hold onto your flower crowns, because if even one of these things happens, yaaaas kweens, it's going to be one craaaazy weekend.
BTW if even one of these predictions does come true, you owe the Noisey staff $100. We accept Venmo.
Have you seen the part of Game of Thrones when Ned Stark’s head gets chopped off? Basically that.
Launch a rocket into space, because Elon Musk is not cool!
Perform heart transplant surgery while doing the "Single Ladies" dance
Convince everyone to Venmo her a dollar
Perform from the moon
Surprise Destiny’s Child set
Surprise Steve Harvey tribute set even though he's still alive
Do a new rendition of Carmen: the Hip-Hopera with Tiffany Haddish
Five words: Austin Powers in Goldmember reunion
Surprise Hurricane Harvey tribute set that features Houston greats including Trae The Truth, Megan The Stallion, Slim Thug, and Bun B
Save bees from extinction
Dance in front of a 3D screening of Annihilation
Reveal herself to be the distant love child of Judas (from the Bible [yes, that the Bible])
Finally chastise her fanbase for never supporting her mother’s apparel line, House of Deréon (RIP)
Fall off the stage (again) and look good doing it
Durational noise set (We can dream)
Hologram Lil Xan??
Hologram Michael Jackson???
Summon Prince from the beyond (not a hologram)
Stage a director's cut screening of Lemonade
Be a huge rebel and light a blunt even though the festival has banned weed like a bunch of DORKS!
Break the sound barrier
Raise the dead, but only the good ones. (Eat shit, Nancy Reagan!)
Start a cult.
Do a Jonestown-type of thing, because if there's anyone who could do it…
Let the twins sing, which they can do very well, even though they are babies.
Let Blue spit a verse
Bring back the Noid from the Domino’s Pizza commercials
Beat Super Mario Brothers 2 for NES without using the unlimited one-up code
Do a dramatic reading of Hermione’s monologue from Winter’s Tale
Bring out Louie Anderson as his character from Baskets
Baptize the entire crowd
Speak in tongues
Turn water into wine
Descend into hell
Ascend into heaven
On the third day, rise again
Free Bobby Shmurda
Debut Serena Williams’s new rap album
Bring out the Obama family, dogs included
Bring out Oprah, Solange, and all her superfriends
Announce a new album and record it on the spot
Announce another pregnancy. It's triplets this time
Announce a run for president
Record an Earth, Wind, and Fire cover that's actually good
End all existing beefs in the rap world
Bring JAY Z out
Tell JAY Z she's bringing him out, but then not bring JAY Z out
Tell JAY Z to stop changing the styling of his name because most music bloggers just can't keep track of the whole hyphen/no hyphen thing
Make the Beyhive stop hating JAY Z
Sing a duet with Cardi B that ends in the release of a Beyoncé/Cardi single
Fart, but like, real melodically, making farts cool and glamorous from now on
Tell everyone to punch the person to their left in the face
Let Solange fight people
Bring out Big Freedia, Solange, and all her superfriends
Reveal who bit her
Unzip her Beyoncé suit and reveal that she’s actually three smaller Beyoncés stacked on top of each other
Play "Stairway to Heaven" backwards
Order Popeye's for the whole crowd
Deliver a TED Talk
Release the pee tape.