5 Experts Tell us What They Think a Healthy Relationship Looks Like

Finding good therapy isn’t always easy.

There’s a lot of crap online about what a good relationship is: are you a “high value” partner (not a real thing), should you be “playing hard to get” (no), is your relationship as “perfect” as the ones you see on relationship-tok (they’re not perfect irl either).  

But if you’re young, and looking for relationship advice, finding it in real life might not be that easy. Couples counselling probably feels way too serious in your teens and 20s, and therapy might feel like an unnecessary luxury. Even if reclining on a long couch in a white room and pensively sharing your innermost thoughts does appeal to you, it isn’t always possible to get an appointment to get the top-level advice you’re looking for because of the cost and availability. 

But the advice a relationship professional can provide is probably still something you need to hear. 

So we’re here to cut out the middle man. 

VICE spoke with 5 experts in relationships and mental health about what a healthy relationship really is, and what that might look like, and here’s what they said.

HEATH HUTTON

Psychologist. 

“Healthy relationships are based on a genuine and prolonged desire to support each other to become the best people you can be. They are built upon respect, effective communication, a seeking to understand rather than to criticise, trusting each other, and the sharing of power and decision making in the relationship. When you are in a healthy relationship, you should notice that you feel supported and loved, and cared for by the other person. 

Healthy relationships allow difference and conflict but these are negotiated with respect and effective problem solving strategies that do not involve criticism or put-downs, coercion, or violence. 

These relationships inevitably involve ruptures or cracks when difficult events happen that affect the relationship, but healthy relationships work to repair these ruptures so that there is growth and they become stronger. Healthy relationships are not the absence of arguing or disagreements. If arguments and disagreements are not present, it can sometimes indicate that someone’s true feelings are not being communicated or someone is allowing their values to be diminished.

Some people come to relationships with previous negative experiences of relationships, or trauma from their childhood. These things can be worked through in relationships but no one should be made to feel responsible for helping their partner recover or move on from this. Support? Yes! Responsibility? No. 

People in healthy relationships are also able to see how their ‘stuff’ is affecting the relationship and take positive actions to address this for themselves. People are responsible for their own behaviours and also for figuring out strategies to use when they become ‘flooded’ or upset in their relationships. 

In terms of physical and sexual intimacy, healthy relationships involve a lot of communicating. Coming to a shared understanding about each other's needs – and desires – is important. Too often, people do not have discussions about this until they have had a few drinks. Healthy relationships are able to bring this topic up and discuss it as part of strengthening the relationship.

These healthy relationships involve agreements about what sexual intimacy looks and feels like, what it involves, when it happens, where it happens, and how often. These decisions need to be made together – and these decisions can change if someone changes their mind. Healthy relationships do not involve pressure to do sexual things. 

A friend once used the analogy of partners going on a holiday trip to illustrate the need for communication about sex and intimacy. You need to understand each other's needs and desires. How do they want to travel? Bus, plane, train, biking? How fast do they want to get there? Do they want to arrive somewhere – or just see where the trip goes? Do they want to stop on the way and check out some different sights? Or do they want to get straight to the destination as quickly as they can? What happens if one person decides halfway through the trip they don’t want to go anymore? 

Most of our lives, growing up, we were told by media, TV, and movies that talking about shared understandings of sex before we do it isn’t sexy. Healthy relationships involve talking about what each partner wants and needs for physical and sexual intimacy and then developing a shared commitment to meet each other’s needs and desires. Healthy relationships involve consent and agreement for everything. This involves regularly checking in before, during and after sex about whether things are ok and that the other person is enjoying it. Healthy relationships involve the meeting of everyone’s sexual needs.”

LARESSA DONALDSON 

Relationship counsellor.

“It takes courage, dedication and commitment to have a healthy relationship. It involves practising trust every single day, being vulnerable and sharing the deepest parts of ourselves. It means communicating honestly about how we feel, our needs and our ability to meet our partner's needs, when our boundaries are crossed and when we feel anxious or scared. 

It means respecting our partner’s boundaries. Healthy relationships are born from doing the work on ourselves so that we are safe in relationships - learning about our childhoods and how that may affect the ways we are in our intimate relationships and then taking responsibility and action for our own healing. 

It means learning and practising what each person needs to feel emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically safe.

To sustain a healthy relationship it’s important to repair harm when boundaries are crossed and conflict has happened. It looks like getting really honest with ourselves by listening to our partner's experience, and quickly taking responsibility for any harm we have caused, and communicating clearly when we have been harmed. 

A sense of self worth that is supported in the relationship is key. Honouring, supporting and encouraging each other to live life in a way that is aligned with each person's values, supporting them to be the best version of themselves available.”

ELEANOR BUTTERWORTH

Expert in relationships and family and sexual violence. 

“When I think of a healthy relationship I think of a sense of space and flexibility between people; space to explore, to grow separately and together, to change and to figure things out in a way that works for both people. What this looks like in practice is going to vary from relationship to relationship, but there are few underpinning areas that give the foundations for a healthy relationship.

Firstly, start with a healthy relationship with yourself. The way we feel and treat ourselves will have a big impact on the kind of relationship we have with others, so thinking about the way we talk to ourselves, the way we respond to our own mistakes, and the acceptance and care we show ourselves is often the first building block for doing this well with others. This helps create an atmosphere of love and care which is important in relationships.

Then there’s equality. Equality is really important in a healthy relationship and this doesn’t mean I empty the dishwasher half the time and you empty it half the time, (though that kind of division might be part of it), but it refers to placing equal value on each other, on what we each bring to the relationship and on each person’s hopes and dreams being known and prioritised. 

Different cultures, ages, genders and sexualities may all have different ways of setting up ‘who does what’ in a relationship, so when we think of equality we think of equal rights, and voice to negotiate those roles ,and equal value being placed on our contributions. This helps create an atmosphere of respect which is really important in relationships.

Healthy communication and conflict is another important foundation. A healthy relationship isn’t one where there is zero conflict, but it is the nature of that conflict that determines how healthy a relationship is. In a healthy couple we ‘fight fair’, so we don’t resort to hurting our partner (physically or emotionally), ourselves or our property. 

When healthy couples have conflict the goal of the conflict is to understand each other more, not to win, and we have lines that will never be crossed no matter how heated we feel. We can also talk about the things that matter to us, even if it feels a bit awkward sometimes, so we can talk about our sex life, we can share things that make us feel a bit vulnerable, or the things that are deeply important to us, knowing we will be heard and not judged. This helps create an atmosphere of trust and communication which is important to a healthy relationship.

Finally, most relationships won't always be 100% healthy in all areas. Our communication might slip, or we might start taking our partner for granted when we go through a particularly busy time, so a healthy relationship isn’t one where we are always hitting it out of the park, but in a healthy relationship we can come back together, talk about what needs to change, and reset to go forwards together.”

MARIA MILMINE

Mental Health Counsellor 

“I think there are many different ingredients that contribute to a healthy relationship. One scenario I often come across, in my work, is how lonely and frustrating it can be when you’re unable to communicate what you need or want. Often people are afraid it might hurt others feelings or get an unwanted reaction. 

Firstly, one person cannot possibly meet all of another person's needs. No person is an island and relationships shouldn’t be either. We need one another, feeling belonging and support from a wider group of people can reduce pressure of feeling entirely responsible for another person's wellbeing. 

Secondly, identifying and communicating your wants and needs is a skill that can grow and develop. Are you able to make your own decisions and feel at ease communicating them? What do you want your relationship to look and feel like? What values would it include? 

For example, these values could include; respect, honesty, openness, trust, collaboration, equality, fun, adventure, and connection. If so, how will ‘we’ work to nurture those things? How will you manage through conflict, or disagree fairly? What does it feel and look like when I am being respected? How do we repair or build back trust when it's broken? 

You could think about these types of questions individually and together. When we aren’t able to ask these sorts of questions, it leaves a lot of space for assumption, afterall, we aren’t mind readers. 

These are meta conversations that you can begin practising when co designing your relationship or doing a bit of a check in. A sign of a healthy relationship is one that has space to work on the relationship as well as enjoyment of being in it.

Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? No. All healthy relationships require work.”

MATT HAMMOND

PHD Scholar and social psychology researcher. 

“One characteristic of healthier relationships is people providing support and managing conflict in ways that are responsive rather than defensive.

When someone needs support, it’s common for us to offer support in the way that we would like to be supported when sad or angry, which is a defensive response focused on our own feelings. Sometimes we try to ‘fix’ problems for others, at the cost of ignoring that person’s expression of emotions that signal they need their feelings to be recognized and validated. 

Research shows that healthier support is responsive. Responsive support means attending to what someone requests rather than what you think they might need –– empathising with someone’s feelings when they express emotions or offering advice when they ask for advice.

Responsive conflict is another feature of healthier relationships. Every relationship faces challenges that mean people end up on different sides of important issues. It’s often beneficial to be direct and emphatic about big problems, rather than trying to avoid issues or delivering consistent but passive criticisms. 

One way to responsively approach conflict is working together with someone to allocate a time to directly address a problem. The recommendation from research is discussing problems from the perspective of a third person who wants the best outcome for you both and your relationship, rather than defensively arguing each side of an issue against one another.”

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.