How to Use Sex Toys as a Couple Without Making it Weird

Sex is fucking intimate. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dating someone for five years or five minutes, when it comes to sex, there’s always this thinly veiled sense of vulnerability. Am I doing this right? Does my partner enjoy this? Maybe I should do it like that instead? 

No matter how deep in your relationship you get, that vulnerability in the bedroom might never go away. (I mean, you are completely naked after all.)

One thing that heightens that vulnerability is when one half of the couple brings up the idea of introducing sex toys.

And I get it. If you've never used sex toys before, the prospect can be intimidating, to say the least, for both parties. The one who asks about introducing sex toys is worried about offending their partner, or potentially being shamed for bringing up the subject. The other might be equal parts curious and insecure about it. 

So how do you go about introducing sex toys into your relationship?

VICE Australia sat down with Eleanor Hadley, Frenchie’s resident Sensuality Coach & Sex Educator, to explore how you can confidently bring sex toys into the bedroom.

“When it comes to introducing sex toys into your sex life, as boring as it may sound, communication is really key here,” Eleanor told VICE.

Research shows that couples who actively talk about sex and their sex lives outside of the bedroom have a much more fulfilling one. “If you'd like to start using sex toys during partnered sex, it's always really helpful to start that conversation before sex, and this can be really organic.” 

Try mentioning that you read a certain article recently (like the one you're reading right now) about how sex toys can enhance pleasure, and it made you curious. Or you could ask if your partner has ever used a sex toy before and if that's something they want to try with you? 

Another great way to start the conversation, explains Eleanor, is by talking about a recent sex toy you got yourself. You could then engage in some sexy foreplay like mutual masturbation to help ease your partner into the idea of you using sex toys together.

If your partner is consistently reaching climax, while you're not and would like to, it's important to be honest. 

As Eleanor explains, “those with vulvas have a very different pleasure anatomy than those with penises, so it's important to reframe sex and orgasms. If orgasm is important to them, perhaps ask them how they would feel if they weren't able to get there either. Assure your partner that you enjoy sex with them and the pleasure and intimacy that it provides, but that a sex toy is helpful for you to experience an orgasm.” 

Then, discuss specifics like how, where, or why you want to use a sex toy. Would it be just for you? Or for both of you? Who will be holding it? Is it only for foreplay? Or will it just come in at the end so you can climax together? 

The more information you can give them to feel comfortable introducing a sex toy, the more likely it is that they will be open to exploring it. 

There’s a common misconception that people only use sex toys when they’re unhappy or unsatisfied with their relationship.  Really, using sex toys as a couple (or solo) is only ever about heightening the pleasure. 

“Let's think of the pleasure spectrum as an ice cream shop,” says Eleanor. “There are so many flavours and combinations of pleasure available to us at all times. Sometimes you'll stick with your go-to classic, but other times you might try something brand new and be sweetly surprised at how delicious it was. And perhaps you try a new flavour combined with your usual. No flavour is categorically better than the other, and they're all simply different and offer different experiences. Adding sex toys into the mix when it comes to partnered sex is simply a way for you to enhance pleasure and experience new sensations.”

If your partner is concerned about a sex toy 'replacing' them, it's important to remember that they can only mimic certain sensations, not all of them, explains Eleanor. 

Your sexual partners should advocate for and prioritise your pleasure at the end of the day. Sex toys are companions, not competitors. Assure your partner that a toy cannot and will not replace human connection or intimacy in your sex life. It’s there for added pleasure and exploration only. 

Excellent, you’re halfway there. Now, choose a sex toy that not only works for both of you but isn’t intimidating. 

Eleanor recommends going with something super versatile that you can use in various positions for different sensations and all genders. “Something like The Double Entendre by Frenchie is great as it allows you to explore with vibration for external play and internally due to its long shape. Since it's super bendy, you can also use it to hit different spots inside the vagina and the anus. The perfect all-rounder!” 

Eleanor also explained a few cheeky ways you can use a sex toy on each other, specifically using Frenchie’s Double Entendre. 

Explore with a vulva by...

• Placing the tip of the device right onto the clitoris during cunnilingus or penetrative sex. The flat design fits perfectly in between you and your partner’s bodies.
• Use it as a dildo for internal pleasure while going down on your partner.
• Experiencing blended orgasm by inserting the narrow end of the vibe to stimulate the g-spot while curving the flexible body of the vibe, so the wider end rests on the vulva, stimulating the clit from the outside.
• Using the Double Entendre as a wand to massage the internal vaginal walls and stimulate the cervix, leading to deeper orgasmic potential

Explore with a penis by...

• Curving the vibe around the base of the penis and running it up along the shaft - perfect for a solo pleasure sesh or as a sexy addition to a blowjob.
• Use the tip of The Double Entendre on the tip of the penis for an extra rush of stimulation to this sensitive spot.

For all bodies, try...

• Exploring the subtle sensations by using the vibe along the sensitive areas of the body, such as behind the ears, the inner elbow and nipples. 
• Experimenting with anal play by bending the flexible body of The Double Entendre, applying plenty of Oh La La Love Lube and inserting into the anus (it’s important to never insert a straight object in the anus). 

Whenever you try something new in the bedroom, the most important part is aftercare. It's important to debrief and talk to each other about the experience. How was that for you? What worked? What didn't? Would you like to do it again? — this way, you can have an open conversation and be comfortable using sex toys together moving forward. 

Remember, you can't convince or persuade someone to do anything they don't want to — consent is key. Maybe discuss using a sex toy during mutual masturbation or foreplay first. If your partner is happy to do that, you can both slowly get used to using sex toys and build up to using one while you’re having sex. This way, they can see how good it makes you feel, and they can see that it’s not replacing them but only adding to the experience. 

Overall, the easiest way to go about introducing sex toys into the bedroom without making it awkward as fuck, is to openly communicate and make it an enjoyable, intimate experience for both of you. After all, that’s what sex is all about.

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