The Best Gifts for Kids You're Obligated to Buy Presents for

Recently, I went to a dinner party for my grandparents’ anniversary. My cousins and I range in age from 18 to 35, and have not yet given up our Youngest Generation status by procreating. I say this to let the record show that not only am I not a mom, but I’m also hardly around kids at all. And this is how I prefer it to be. 

It would seem that I have no credentials for telling you what to buy for a child, but that would be false. One of my I-can’t-explain-how-we’re-related relatives has a four-year-old who hand-selected me to sit next to her during dinner. Thus, it was revealed to me that I’m actually a child whisperer. Now I’m here to share my wisdom. 

The Resident Kid and I played with a plastic Peppa Pig and then moved on to an impromptu game with imaginary rocks. Both were equally fun in her book, which just goes to show that it doesn’t take much to impress a kid. While you could probably get away with giving the random kid in your life an imaginary magic wand, the unfortunate news is that most grown-ups have lost their sense of wonder and they would prefer if you shelled out a little cash for their offspring. From Grateful Dead onesies to classic books like Where the Sidewalk Ends, I’ve come up with gifts for the obligatory kid on your shopping list—and some gifts for the child who has everything—so you don’t have to. 

While you’re still out planning your summer around Dead and Company’s tour dates (me too), some of your friends are having babies and wistfully streaming shows on nugs.net. Here exists the one article of clothing where your two worlds still collide: a onesie with the lyrics to “Ripple” printed on it.

I am 24 years old and I am the proud owner of a crocheted Baby Yoda stuffed animal. My mother had it made for me by a kindergarten teacher she works with, who probably did not assume that I’m an adult. This summer, we had company over, and their three-year-old borrowed my beloved Baby Yoda for the whole duration of their stay. The separation anxiety was real, and if I ever encounter this child again, I’ll buy her her own Baby Yoda from Etsy.

In a last ditch effort to save print media, try to hook the random kid in your life on magazines while they’re still young and impressionable!

Not every child is a peaceful cherub, and we all know it. If you want to get them coal (but know that would sever your relationship with the child’s creators), opt for geodes! They’ll be mesmerized by the hidden crystals, and you can revel in your own secret passive-aggressiveness. 

If smashing doesn’t feel like the move, perhaps a bit of rock tumbling? National Geographic makes an excellent beginner’s kit:

Maybe it’s already happened; maybe it’s just around the corner. At some point, children will enter a phase where they watch the same movie hundreds of times a week. You can pre-empt that by casually exposing them to actually-good films that will be slightly more tolerable for their parents to hate-watch until they can’t take it anymore.

How else will you show that you’re the cool aunt to borrow records from one day if you don’t give your niece or nephew a musical instrument? Since drums and electric guitars will get you excommunicated by the parents (and they frankly cost more than one needs to spend on someone under a decade old), a ukulele is the next best thing! 

We all have to start somewhere. Kids love looking and feeling cool (or so I’m told), and nothing’s cooler than a pair of Jordans. Plus, you’re not going to go easy on them when they’re old enough to play NBA 2K, so they might as well start their training now.

Sure, it may be years before the kid in question gets the Little Prince’s secret—“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” But until then, they’ll enjoy the story of the fox and the rose, and the parents will be glad to read something that doesn’t rhyme.

Kids love sharks; it’s probably written in their DNA. As the eternal struggle between sharks and crabs (these are the two groups in West Side Story, right?) continues, let children enter the fray via this not-too-challenging LEGO shark set.

Kids can be wonderfully entertained by the simplest things—and that should not be overlooked when you’re shopping for them. Where we see a crayon, they see a portal to hours of fun. This giant sketchbook will be their imagination’s playground—even if only a parent could love the artwork born of it.

For the child whom you sense is also a kindred spirit, give them poems for the journey of growing up. Just follow Shel Silverstein’s invitation: “If you are a dreamer, come in, If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...”

In second grade, my class hatched caterpillars and released the butterflies into the wild. Sure, this was 20 years ago, but joy from nature is timeless and can be enjoyed by all.

If you were shopping for your own (fictitious) kid, maybe you’d get them a tree house. But you’re not shopping for your own flesh and blood, so they can get the next best thing: this cool tree pod swing.

Little princes and sidewalk poems are fine, but if you want this child to grow up to be a genius, go to Harvard, cash out on a startup, and hook you up with a fat check because you started them off on the right foot, you must gift a truly great work of art that they’ll never forget.

Where we see literal garbage, kids see treasure. This metal detector will keep them occupied for hours while you try to hang out with their parents, uninterrupted. And if they do find any gold, they’ve got to go splitsies with you. 

I don’t need to remind you that this isn’t your kid that you’re shopping for. This is one of those situations where it really is just the thought that counts. As long as that thought leads to a present, that is.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals?Sign up for our newsletter.