Composite by VICE Staff
There are many times in life to play it cheap: When you’re snagging a happy hour deal, getting the mattress that’s on sale, clipping out those coupons for the grocery store, etc. However, there’s one area where you shouldn’t try and save a buck: your sex life. While it’s true that quality sex toys come in a variety of price ranges, sometimes you want—no, deserve—the steak-and-lobster dinner of prostate massagers, dildos, vibrators, and more. Good sex affects your mood, your relationships, and hell, even your work, and there’s now better time to drop some clams on some sweet, opulent sex toys than Valentine’s Day.
There are numerous reasons to pamper yourself with a luxury sex toy. The main one is that they’re sexy—like really, really sexy. These toys look good. They’re the cherry-red convertible of sex toys, they work perfectly, they have fantastic warranties, and they’re sure to impress any V-Day date when you pull them out of your bedside drawer. From dual-purpose dildos designed in Sweden to luxe BDSM spreaders, these are the best luxury sex toys to splurge on for Valentine’s Day.
Contrary to popular belief, your butt is not just a butt—it’s a treasure chest of pleasure just waiting to be coaxed open. The Loki Wave by the Swedish sex-toy slingers at LELO is not only one of the best prostate toys on the market, but (in my humble opinion) it’s also one of the best sex toys the brand has ever created. While the sleek, dual-stimulating design sends vibrations inside and out, what really makes this toy special is the come-hither rocking motion of the internal wand. The Loki will knock your Valentine’s socks off anally and, with it’s sanitizable silicone material, you can also enjoy this toy vaginally for a G-spot explosion.
Pamper your prostate
If you’re going for Valentine’s Day sex toy grandeur, why the hell not go for 24K gold? The Doxy has a cult following and for a good reason—this wand-style vibrator gives the Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money, and can get going up to 9,000 RPM! What does that mean? Well, I’m a sex toy reviewer (read: not a scientist), but what I can tell you is that at 1.4 pounds, this toy feels like a heavy, vibrating heaven against your body—whether that be genitals or muscles in need of a massage. Think of The Doxy Deluxe as a fancy Theragun for your (and your SO’s) junk.
You don’t need tickets—or a V-Day date—to hop on this ride! The Cowgirl is a pleasure machine for those bold enough to bring one into the bedroom. With two attachments, one for grinding and one for penetration, this powerful sitting vibrator can satiate anyone’s horny appetite. The Cowgirl also has Bluetooth capabilities, meaning if you do have a date for Valentine’s Day (nice) you can control your lover’s adventures on this mechanical bull from any room in the house, or anywhere in the world. Yee-haw!If you’re looking for a more affordable, introductory experience to sex machines, Cowgirl makes an app-enabled, super portable sex machine called the Cone for under $350 at Lovers. Plus, it comes with a variety of mounts to keep things spicy.
This is your Valentine in 2024
You don’t have to be into hardcore BDSM to get your money’s worth from the Talea Spreader Bar. Even if you’re just dipping your toes into bondage—or trying to add a little spice into the bedroom this V-Day—this Liberator toy has a ton of kinky uses. Raising hips and heads during sex can help your partner hit the right spots and elevate pleasure. However, pillows squish, and it’s frustrating to pause a bone session to snag more. The Talea Spreader Bar is soft enough to sit under bodies, but stiff enough to keep its shape. Let this spreader bar hold your lover’s wrists and ankles down on Valentine’s Day without destroying their precious joints.
Would ya look at that spread!
First rule of Valentine’s Day: Don’t let your vagina hold onto negative energy. If you’re the sort to carry a crystal in your pocket, there’s a good chance you’ll benefit from owning a crystal dildo. The Xagna Curve Dildo’s sleek design will glide right inside you or your V-Day date to soothe whatever needs healing, as well as assist in any G-spot pleasure you’re seeking from the evening. Obsidian might have a lot of practical uses and abstract meanings, but it can also give you really giant orgasms. [Winks in vampire.]
For your goth lover
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, the folks at Fun Factory make darn good sex toys. They’re experts at designing unique items unlike anything else on the market, without ever straying from their company’s mantra: Sex is fun! The Manta’s soft silicone wings curve around a penis, adding rumbly vibrations to handjobs, blowjobs, and any fun intimate activities you and your V-Day boo have planned. The NOS cock ring’s pronged shape helps stimulate any clitoris during play—add in a massage candle, and you’ve got yourself a fantastic night with this combo.
Blow your Valentine… a kiss
We all know toys are essential to sex, but so is lube—and it’s something that I’m quite passionate about. Despite all the ways in which lube can improve, enhance, and intensify intimate encounters, it doesn’t get nearly enough attention. You can’t just toss any ol’ bottle into your shopping cart (not a euphemism) and call it a day. If you’re spending money on luxury toys this Valentine’s Day, you should be spending money on a lube that isn’t going to irritate your lover’s skin! Ah! Yes is a champion in the lube market: The brand’s water-based lube is nourishing, moisturizing, and doesn’t add any smell or taste into the mix. You and your SO’s bodies deserve a hydrating and slippery lube that will improve V-Day play, not detract or distract from it, so splurge.As you shop for your next mind-blowing sex toy, remember that indulgence is a form of self care, and that you deserve the best of the best. [Kisses you on the forehead.]