Sound the meat grinders, because Sur La Table is having a Hash-Slinging Slasher sale on all the cookware we’ve fantasized about. OK, so technically it’s called the Cookware Sale, and it means up to 50% off goods from Le Creuset, Staub, All-Clad, and more top brands until April 18.
Currently, we’re turning our bedrooms into a Flavortown, snacking on Sichuan smoked salmon, and air-frying Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. We’re ready for a shameless, sensory free-fall that lands face first in a Le Creuset casserole (with a bunch of Omsom seasoning). Cookware is our fandom. We only accept our face as it is reflected by a clean All-Clad pan or a spaetzle maker. We embrace the existential crises born of cast iron care, because the versatility of cast iron makes it a lifelong culinary accomplice when cared for properly. TBH, so many of the following ~pieces~ go beyond your kitchen, and your humble grave, to become inter-generational heirlooms. That’s some Ya-Ya Sisterhood shit.
With hundred of bucks off the normal pricing, this is your chance to bag all the stuff Julia Child told you to get in that one lucid dream, from a lofty cocotte to a Staub stoneware set (at more than 50% off). Here are a few of our top picks from Sur La Table’s monster jam cookware sale to rule them all.
Go deep with a big Dutch oven
If you walk into someone’s house and they have anything by storied French brand Le Creuset, you know they care about cooking. If you walk in and find a giant Le Creuset Dutch oven, congratulations: you’ve found your life partner. This extra-deep design is perfect for soups, stews, and braising without splattering grease and Bolognese all over your face, walls, adn countertops.
Pick up the Vitamix blender of our collective dreams
It’s been officially determined that Vitamix blenders are definitely [gavel slam] worth it. Chefs and commoners alike agree that these things positively shred all the smoothies, soups, gazpachos, piña coladas, and creamy smoked salmon dips that you toss its way, and you’ll save more than $150 on the E310 model at Sur La Table right now.
A cast-iron skillet that will last forever
If you’re not cooking with cast-iron, whatcha doin’? This skillet from esteemed legacy brand Staub is pre-seasoned and perfect for scrambling eggs, searing ribeyes, and frying fish, among other things; it’s almost half off, so get ready to nail a medium rare steak.
It’s time to finally replace your scratched Teflon set
*BLOWS CONCH* This is the last day these ride or die skillets are on sale. Made of stainless steel, they come with a lifetime warranty and a non-scratch coating with none of that PFOA industrial chemical gunk, so you can feel good about watching that sunny side egg slide right from the skillet to your plate. The handles also have their own special technology (people love to throw around that word, but FR) that makes them cool to the touch even as things heat up. Which they will: These dudes can take a broiling in the oven.
The one you’ll use every night (when you’re too exhausted for multiple pans)
This pan will be there for you more than you may be able to be there for yourself. For the nights when you just want to dump all the errant veggies and shiz from your fridge into a stir fry situation, this is the best ample (but lightweight) tool. Best of all, Greenpan is nontoxic, which is why it’s some of the best nonstick cookware out there.
The holy trinity of baking stoneware
The power of a solid stoneware lies in its even heat distribution, and Staub is one of the top-tier makers of non-scratch, porcelain glaze ceramic dreamboats for making every kind of butter cake, bread, potato gratin, spanakopita, apple crumble, whole roast chicken—you name it, Staub can bake it (aaaand instantly transfer it to the fridge or freezer with their thermal shock technology). They’ve joined together three of the most iconic and versatile pieces for the cookware bonanza: a pie pan, rectangular baking pan, and an oval baker in a package would be a steal even outside of the sale, but getting all of ‘em for barely more than a hundy? B A N A N A S!
An eight-quart Dutch oven
For those who don’t do Da Vinci code math (same), eight quarts is a hell of a lot of goodness, from soups to stews to juicy roasts. Bury your head in this, Jean the Baptist-style. Ah, and that beautiful color.
This is your buffet, now
There’s nothing easier or more chic than an immediate stovetop-to-table plating situation. This Le Creuset cookery has a shallow base and is secretly one of those pre-Always Pan multi-taskers that is “perfect for searing, braising, slow cooking and more.”
An annoyingly charming mini-cocotte
This one's the ideal vessel for “individual portions of French onion soup, baked mac and cheese, apple cobbler and more,” and it’s so charming, in all of its six shades, that you can just make it your entire personality. Just don’t let the American Girl Dolls steal it.
A top-of-the-the-line espresso machine
If you’ve been wanting to (majorly) upgrade your home coffee setup and become a latte artist, now’s the time to splurge (but less so) on a top-rated machine from Espressione. You’ll save more than 500 bucks on the Concierge Automatic machine, which takes your beans to the end of the line and makes a perfect cup of espresso. Don’t forget the built-in milk frother, quiet stainless steel bean grinder with five fineness settings, LED touchscreen, and “19-bar pressure for desirable layer of crema.”
If you’re not ready to drop half a G even with a serious deal, pick up the EM-1040 for less than $300. It works with ground coffee or is compatible with pods, and features a pre-brewing function, super-fast Thermoblock heating unit, and “Italian19-bar ULKA pump” for that perfect creamy top layer.
The big tomato (cocotte)
Sometimes, you don’t know you need something until you lay eyes on it. And if you’d never seen Staub’s tomato cocottes, we couldn’t blame you for not realizing just how deeply they’d change your life. Top-rated and positively triumphant, they’re truly a glorious edition to any dining room table, a centerpiece in and of themselves—so damn weird, and yet also strangely incredibly sophisticated and timeless. Truly, truly need them both.
A real dang cute fondue set
Perfect for date night, girls’ night in, boys’ night in, the polycule orgy, or your next Dungeons & Dragons sesh. Seriously though, hella cute, and a great gift for yourself (congrats on doing your taxes on time, maybe you’ll get a return of more than $96 this year) or literally anyone else besides maybe the severely lactose intolerant.
See you in a bath of Bolognese sauce!
Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.