A Gay Man’s Guide to Eating Ass, For Straight Men

A little while ago, I hooked up with someone I hadn’t seen in over five years. When we’d last met, I was still wet behind the ears when it came to pleasing a man, so we pretty much made out and jumped directly into anal. 

But this time, I was ready. 

After the usual making out and other vanilla stuff, we moved on to foreplay. I flipped him over and slowly worked my way down. But he didn’t anticipate what came next. In no time, my face was dug deep between his buttcheeks, rimming his anus to glory. “When did you pick that up?” he asked between bewildered moans. “Well, I’ve been busy learning,” I said shamelessly. 

I love eating ass. If I was on death row, and they asked me what my last meal preference would be, I’d say a nice plump ass to make my last moments tolerable. 

It wasn’t always this way, but my initial apprehension thankfully paved the way for curiosity. After watching burly men eat each other’s hairy butts out in porn, I started practising it with consenting partners. Over time, I have mastered the art of anilingus. 

And because we know most gay men are already adept at being and eating assholes, this time around, I’d like to help my straight brethren out.  As they say, bros before hose (your asshole clean).

There’s a reason why people are eating out buttholes as much as they are. According to a 2018 survey, 43 percent of women in India like to rim their male partners, while 42 percent of men have tried anal sex. This means that women already know and appreciate the value of putting lips to the butt, and making it a fun, kinky experience for everyone involved. 

The truth is, this is the one department men are more blessed in – thanks to the prostate gland (often referred to as the male G-spot) accessible through our holes. But every human anus wall has several nerve endings, which make it the perfect erogenous zone. 

That doesn’t mean you assume the back door is just open. Talk to your partner about it and make sure you have their enthusiastic consent before and during the act.

There’s no getting around the very obvious fact that the butt is where poop comes out of. But if that’s the way you look at it, the entire human body is one giant petri dish of excreta, considering we sweat and pee way more than we poop – so kissing and blowjobs should be gross too, right? 

The fact is that anal sex practices need as much cleanliness as possible, but nothing as extreme as douching or an enema. If you and your sexual partner know that ass is on the menu that night, then something as simple as washing the region with soap water and wiping it clean should work. Or to surmise what Rahim says in Sex Education: Squat, squirt, hold and release. 

The advantages of tossing the salad are manifold, but mainly, it helps boost your immunity. That’s because couples often share a similar gut microbiome, thereby exchanging good bacteria that we need to stay healthy. Of course, if you don’t keep it clean, you can pass on other dangerous bacteria and STIs, too. Chat with your partner on this basic, non-negotiable requirement before you head south.

Now that the disclaimer is taken care of, you’ll need to know how to service the region. 

You can go for the traditional doggy style over the bed, as you kneel alongside the edge and dangle on to the butt like a mountain climber, or you could try the face sitting method, where the receiver squats over the rimmer’s face. This way, the anus gets the best spa-like treatment, and you really can’t beat the view. 

But if you’re truly feeling like a king-size meal, then the spread-eagle missionary position – with your partner lying on their back, legs lifted up in a V – works best. Just make sure the receiver is propped up with a pillow to avoid stress on the neck. 

Avoid the standing position (if you’ve watched The White Lotus, you know what I am talking about) because that rarely offers optimum coverage.

We know now that the anal region has nerve endings that can be orally stimulated, but how one does it is also critical. 

First off, setting a rhythm is key to a great ass breakfast. Talk to your partner and see if they like getting stimulated in the nether regions with a sex toy or by hand. This helps double the pleasure but also gives them equal control over the act. 

Use your tongue to massage and lick the folds of the anus because that’s the most sensitive area. You can go up and down or round in circles, depending on how much workout your tongue is ready for. And once in a while, don’t shy away from using your nose and chin to create variation. Think of it as the first time you ate ice cream and it dripped everywhere but that only made you want to lick it harder and faster. Also, know that it’s never going to go all in – even the sharpest tongue will find its limitations.

And most of all, leave your reservations behind. A half-arsed rim is worse than no rim at all.

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