Please, Please, Please Don't Blow Your Savings on a New Set of Decks | US | Translation

You're a DJ aren't you? You must be. If I'm a DJ and my best mate is a DJ and his cousin is a DJ and that best mate's cousin's best mate's cousin is a DJ, it stands to reason that you, dear reader, must be a DJ too. After all, isn't it easier than ever to be a DJ? All you need need, right, is an internet connection (so you can download the tunes), a few mates who already DJ and know promoters (so you can get booked to play out), dedication (DJing isn't easy, yeah?), and a spare £5097 for the most up up to date equipment. Piece of piss. We've all got that. That's how I know you must be a DJ too.

Hold on. Rewind. Go back a bit. I've got broadband, just about—bloody BT! I think I've got a few mates knocking about somewhere. I've got nothing much on at the moment either. My route to stardom is looking pretty clear so far. Bring it on! The booze! The birds! The adulation! The crippling drug dependency and crush comedown that follows a short career spent mainly in service station cafes and hotel lobbies! I'm sorted! Deadmau5, watch your back, mate, 'cos I'm gonna be setting a few traps! This it! A new li…wait…what….I need…FIVE FUCKING GRAND for the equipment? FIVE? THOUSAND? POUNDS?

Yep, that's right. If you want to get your hands on Pioneer's newly announced CDJ-2000NSX2 CDJs and the DJM-900NSX mixer, I.E. if you actually want to be able to DJ with your new kit, rather than having one very, very, very expensive CD player then you'll need just a smidgen more than five thousand pounds for the privilege. Now, obviously, other companies charge lots of money for what is, lest we forget, very high end, state of the art hardware that'll be used by every important club in the world in months to come, so we're not pointing the finger at Pioneer here.

Now, being a DJ is fun, and it's still kind of cool, somehow, but realistically, who has a spare five K burning a hole in their student account ready to blow on some (relatively) nice looking lumps of plastic that let you play two songs at once? Other than the kind of prick who "slummed it" down in South London, studying for their BA in Art History with mummy and daddy's money before moving into a bought-outright flat in De Beauvoir before pursuing a freelance 'career' in fashion, obviously. And still, even if you did somehow find yourself in the incredibly unusual position of having disposable income, you don't want to be a DJ that much, do you? No, you don't. Here's a few better ways to spend your money:

1) Spend it all on cocaine and prostitutes! That'd be a very edgy and daring way to spend five grand, wouldn't it? Cor, the stories you'd have to tell after you'd made your way through all that! I'd love to hear them mate, you'll have to come over for tea soon…and you can bring the sugar if you catch my drift!

2) Put your money in an ISA or something. Seriously. Be boring with it. Be really boring with it. Be boring and smug about it. Tell everyone you go to dinner with about the ISA you went for. Tell them everything about it. Tell them how it's changed your life and how you never wanted to be a DJ really and that hopes and dreams are fine but hopes and dreams aren't a tax-efficient way to save or invest. As the bill arrives, you can pay your exact portion of it safe in the knowledge that a cool £5097 is sat in a lovely little ISA, ready and waiting for a rainy day. Who cares if all your friends hate you? You don't need them anyway. You've got an ISA now. A lovely little ISA.

3) Buy some cheaper decks and spend all the rest of the money on records or CDs or MP3s. Sorry to be your dad here, but it's solid advice. Just please, son, please don't break my heart and spend £5097 on a new set of decks.

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