For years, a cold war has been taking place between stoners and drinkers: Which is the better way to get fucked up? Though I am obviously partial to Team Weed, each side has its own merits and downfalls. Cannabis abstainers complain that weed makes them hungry, paranoid, overly horny, and sleepy. People who deign only to smoke complain that alcohol makes them sick, hungover, obnoxious, and judgmentally impaired. I guess it all really depends on what kind of night (or day) you want to have. Do you want to fuck a stranger in a bathroom, or do you want to watch nature shows for four hours and eat 900 calories' worth of chips? I generally prefer the latter, but that's not to say I haven't enjoyed my fair share of the former as well.
Studies have shown that weed is significantly physically healthier for you than alcohol. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that there are more than 2,000 alcohol poisoning deaths in the US each year, whereas there have never been any reported deaths due to marijuana alone. (Though there was a rumor when I was in high school that you could overdose on weed and die if you smoked an entire dumpster full of marijuana in 30 minutes. Maybe I will try that for my next column.) Alcohol use is also linked to cancer, whereas marijuana is not. The list goes on.
All that said, I have never been one to worry about the effects drugs have on my body, nor have I ever edged away from alcohol consumption knowing the toll it takes on me. My liver is a little trooper who has been through some serious abuse by her neglectful owner. Shout out to my liver.
Maybe the beer bong would give me some insight into what it's like to be a frat bro. Maybe I would discover that I was really good at beer bonging. Maybe I could break a beer bong world record.
In fact, my favorite way to consume alcohol has always been in combination with marijuana. I've found that when you're stoned, nothing tastes better than a nice cold beer. That preference seems to run in my family. Last week, my younger brother, Isaac Hayes Dukowski—(yes, he was named after the guy who did the Shaft theme song)—called me to let me know that he was brewing a batch of weed-infused beer. I told him that if he didn't give me the recipe for it I would disown him as a brother. He did give me the recipe. However, I quickly realized it was way too complex and time-consuming for my stoner ass to do myself and I just drank his brew instead.
The reason weed beer gets you high is the same reason an alcohol-based tincture gets you high. The alcohol, which was formed during the primary fermentation process, extracts the THC crystals from the buds, leaving you with only the good stuff.
I drank my first weed beer at the same pace I normally drink beer. Not nursing it, but not chugging it, either. The effect was pretty immediate, likely due at least in part to the fact that this beer has almost twice the alcohol content of a normal beer. I had some experiences with drinking weed in liquids before, so I knew it would hit me faster than most edibles. But mixing weed with alcohol actually resulted in an almost entirely new high for me. I became unable to experience the high from the beer and the high from the weed separately because the weed and the beer hit me at the exact same time. The THC and the booze were working in a beautiful and perfect unison inside of me.
But because I am insane, the chemical magic that was being performed on my body from that one weed beer was not enough for me. Not only did I need more, I needed it faster. Desperate for a more effective method of consumption, I channeled the patron saints of getting too drunk in horrifying and embarrassing ways—frat bros—and I came to the obvious conclusion: a beer bong.
However, while I pride myself on being someone who can handle large amounts of drugs gracefully and inventively, I have never actually done a beer bong. I had to mentally and emotionally prepare a lot beforehand. I was worried: Would partaking in this sacred ritual of fuckboyhood change me forever?
Eventually, though, I was able to let go of my preconceived notions of what my beer bong experience would be like. I even got a little excited about it. Maybe the beer bong would give me some insight into what it's like to be a frat bro. Maybe I would discover that I was really good at beer bonging. Maybe I could break a beer bong world record.
Sadly, none of those things happened: The beer bong was actually a very unpleasant experience for me. As much as I hate to admit it, my throat is simply not made for that much liquid being pumped into it that quickly (lol). It was truly fucked: Using the beer bong, I drank about half the bottle at the correct pace, then I realized the weed beer was coming way too fast. I sort of tried to block the tube with my tongue to give myself more time to swallow, but that backfired on me. My tongue was not strong enough to block the opening; I ended up not only spraying the beer all over my own face, but also choking on the beer that was already in my mouth and spitting it everywhere. This ended up looking like I was projectile vomiting, which I was not, but the people watching me do the beer bong would disagree with me.
I didn't let that deter me, though. It was one of the biggest struggles of my life thus far, but eventually I did finish the rest of the beer bong, only "projectile vomiting" that one time.
Despite the completely shit experience I had with the actual act of beer bonging, I will say the effect afterwards was pretty damn fun. I've never been so immediately fucked up on weed and booze at the same time. As soon as I was done, I walked over to the TV and turned on a show about different breeds of animals developing friendships with each other. Then I fell asleep after crying about a fluffy chicken who was friends with a handicapped chihuahua.
Beer Bonging with Weed-Infused Beer:
Rating: 8 out of 10
Notes: I would only ever go through the horrible feeling of funneling carbonated liquid down my throat if I knew I would get the magical weed–alcohol blended high ("cross-faded," as we say in California) that my brother's pot brew provided. If you ever get your hands on weed beer, consuming it with a beer bong is definitely worth a try, but be warned that it is uncomfortable. If you just want to get drunk, my advice is to just take shots like a normal person.