The Down Goes Brown Grab Bag: The Other Cam Newton, PEDs, and Puppies

(Editor's note: Welcome to Sean McIndoe's Friday grab bag, where he writes on a variety of NHL topics. You can follow him on Twitter.)

The third star: Robby Fabbri dropping bombs—Check out the grizzled veteran of a half-season bringing the heat on rookie callup Jordan Binnington, using a movie neither of them is old enough to have even heard of.

Am I right?? — Robby Fabbri (@RFabbri15)January 23, 2016

The second star: Joe Pavelski's face—"Hey, who should we put on the 25th anniversary poster?"

"Joe Pavelski, duh."

"Of course. And he should be…"

"Mid-sneeze, duh."

Everyone in attendance for tomorrow's — San Jose Sharks (@SanJoseSharks)January 26, 2016

The first star: Whatever's going on with Kevin Spacey and the Florida Panthers—No, I can't explain it. I'm not sure I want to. I just like the idea of Kevin Spacey and the Panthers teaming up to do… well, whatever it is they're doing. I feel like an explanation would just ruin it at this point.

First @NHL goal = #SpaceyInSpace Congrats, Petro! pic.twitter.com/x95N7ckp0G
— Florida Panthers (@FlaPanthers) January 27, 2016

Fresh off an MVP season and a week away from a trip to his first Super Bowl, it seems like everyone in the sports world is talking about Carolina Panthers' quarterback Cam Newton. The most exciting player in the NFL? Could well be Cam Newton. A terrible influence on your children? Quite possibly Cam Newton. The next great quarterback for a league built around them? Definitely Cam Newton.

And so, this week's obscure player is Cam Newton. No, the other one.

Yes, long before today's Cam Newton was dabbing his way into the hearts of fans around the world, hockey had a version of its very own, albeit a marginally less successful one. A goaltender who'd had a decent junior career in the OHA, hockey's Cam Newton was drafted by the Penguins in the eighth round of the 1970 entry draft. He debuted that year and went on to play parts of two seasons, appearing in 16 games and winning four. You may remember him for having one of the more memorable goalie masks of the era.

Those two seasons were it for Newton's NHL career; he signed with the Chicago Cougars of the WHA in 1973, and went on to play three years in the league. The first two were with Chicago. The last one… well, that one got kind of complicated. Newton was claimed by the new Denver team, which was sadly not called the Broncos, in the league's 1975 expansion draft. That Denver franchise struggled badly due to a lack of fan interest, and abruptly moved to Ottawa midway through the season. (Legend has it that the players didn't know about the move until moments before a road game, when the Canadian national anthem began to play.)

The franchise lasted just two weeks in Ottawa before folding for good, with Newton landing in Cleveland as a midseason free agent. He'd play one more year of pro hockey before retiring. One more nifty bit of Carolina Panthers-related foreshadowing: Among Cam Newton's teammates in Cleveland were not one but two players named John Stewart, although neither appears to have gone by "Jonathan".

There is no record of Cam Newton ever dabbing after a big save, although historians agree that the possibility can't be ruled out.

This week's debate: Anaheim Ducks' veteran Shawn Horcoff was suspended for 20 games this week after violating the league's performance enhancing drug policy. Does the NHL have a PED problem?

In favor: Well, yeah, it's probably safe to assume that they do.

Opposed: Did.

In favor: What?

Opposed: You had your tense wrong. The NHL did have a PED problem. Luckily, we got the guy.

In favor: The guy.

Opposed: Yep. We found the one player in the NHL who was violating the PED policy, and threw the book at him. Whew! All good now.

In favor: Right.

Opposed: So how about that All-Star Game? Going to be crazy fun with the 3-on-3 and the…

In favor: Sorry, hold on, before we just change the subject… Really? You think there's one guy in the NHL using PEDs? Just one?

Opposed: Well, let me answer your question with another question: How many players have failed a test this year?

In favor: One.

Opposed: Well, there you go. So that playoff race is sure something, isn't it? Going to go right down to the…

In favor: Yeah, but one guy failing a test doesn't mean that only one guy is using. If anything, it means the test is a joke.

Opposed: What? I'll have you know that the NHL's drug-testing policy was created in consultation with world-renowned experts.

In favor: So then how come it catches one NHLer every few years, when leagues like MLB and the NFL are suspending guys left and right?

Opposed: Clearly, hockey players are just more honest and trustworthy than guys in other sports.

In favor: Oh, come on. Hockey fans are always going on and on about how the NHL is the most physical league in the world, how the season is so grueling, how heroic the players are for fighting through injuries that would sideline players in any other league. But athletes in every other sport use PEDs, and hockey players don't?

Opposed: Yep!

In favor: You're delusional.

Opposed: Everything is fine!

In favor: Look, every year when the playoffs arrive, we hear about how physically decimated everyone is, and how it's a miracle that they're still able to play. It defies belief to say that nobody is getting a little extra help.

Opposed: Ah ha! But if the playoffs would be the prime time to use PEDs, then why has no NHL player ever failed a test in the postseason? Not one! How do you explain that?

In favor: Because until very recently, the NHL didn't test in the playoffs.

Opposed (through gritted teeth): Everything. Is. Fine.

In favor: Look, nobody's saying there's an epidemic, or that all the best players are on something. But at some point, common sense has to come in. If placekickers and chunky middle relievers are using PEDs to get through a season, of course there are NHL players doing the same.

Opposed: Players… plural?

In favor: Yeah. Shawn Horcoff isn't the only one out there. There's just no way. Sorry to have to break it to you.

Opposed: Man.

In favor: Yeah.

Opposed: Well, golly, I sure hope they catch that other guy soon!

The final verdict: Everything is fine.

OK, everyone huddle up, because we need to talk about this free puppy thing.

In case you somehow missed it, on Sunday afternoon two young fans showed up in Ottawa holding a sign announcing that their dad had agreed to get them a dog if Bobby Ryan scored a goal. Ryan did, the kids got their dog, and everyone was happy. It was a great story.

But this being the NHL, where any decent idea has to immediately get beaten into the ground, it goes without saying that the Ryan story couldn't be allowed to stand on its own. The next night, Cam Atkinson won a dog for some Columbus fans who pulled the exact same trick. Suddenly, we had a trend, with even Sidney Crosby being asked to weigh in. No doubt, some kid somewhere is preparing yet another puppy-related sign as we speak.

This has led to some mixed feelings. On the one hand, happy children getting puppies is a wonderful thing and you're a monster if it doesn't warm your heart. On the other hand, nothing ruins a good story like overdoing it, and I'm not sure anyone wants to see the front row of every NHL rink filled with kids elbowing each other out of the way to get air time for their puppy-related pleas.

So I'm here to offer a compromise. We can keep doing the puppy thing, but with one important rule: Each new player who gets nominated has to be worse than the player before.

So far so good. Ryan is a pretty decent goal scorer, with four 30-plus goal seasons to his credit. Atkinson isn't quite as good, but he's cracked 20 twice and should do it again this year. That's cool. But no, you can't ask Crosby to be your puppy deliveryman. That's ridiculous. And no Alex Ovechkin, or Steven Stamkos, or Vladimir Tarasenko. The next guy has to be a step down from Atkinson.

This accomplishes a few things. For one, it introduces a nice element of strategy to the whole thing, which makes these kids really earn their reward. Two, it hastens the arrival of the inevitable moment where some player gets blanked and the kid doesn't get their puppy, which a very sick part of you has to admit will be hilarious. And finally (and most importantly), it puts a natural limit on how long this whole thing can last, because eventually we'll get down to Zac Rinaldo and that will be the end of it.

Be it resolved that you can only do the puppy challenge with a worse player than the kid before. Motion carried.

It's All-Star Weekend, and the All-Star Game is terrible. But it can still be fun. One of the best came 26 years ago, and featured the best player in hockey lightning it up for his hometown crowd.

• It's Jan. 21, 1990, and we're coming to you from beautiful Pittsburgh, where according to this nifty graphic, the game is being played inside of the top half of a disco ball.

• Seriously, I feel like I could do roughly 2,000 words just on that graphic alone. It's so early '90s that you really can't view it safely without wearing a neon windbreaker. They've crammed so many elements into it that they didn't even have enough processing power left in their Amiga 500 to put holes in the letter A.

• Our starting goaltenders are Mike Vernon and Patrick Roy, which means I'm going to just have to pause here so we can all go and watch this clip three dozen times. Once we're back, let's try to figure out whether Roy is even wearing any pads at all on his upper body. It's so weird how slapshots getting five mph faster suddenly required every goaltender to wear a suit of power armor from Fallout under their jerseys starting in 1996.

• Our opening faceoff is Mario Lemieux versus Wayne Gretzky, which is pretty good. Gretzky loses the draw, although referee Kerry Fraser doesn't notice even though he's staring right at it.

• It only takes 21 seconds for the Wales Conference to open the scoring, which is the kind of thing that happens when you've got guys like Lemieux, Cam Neely and Ray Bourque out there. Lemieux nets a wraparound, and the hometown crowd erupts.

• By the way, I like how whoever uploaded this video to YouTube titled it "Mario Scored 4 at His Home." If the whole 3-on-3 thing doesn't work out, I say the next All-Star Game gimmick should be randomly showing up at a player's house and playing the game in their living room. Let's do next year's at Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle's apartment.

• I thoroughly enjoy Marv Albert calling hockey. Just want to put that out there.

• We jump ahead to Lemieux's second goal, which comes midway through the period. Two things to notice here: Lemieux scores on a slapshot, and Al MacInnis tries to block it. Both moves were immediately banned from All-Star competition, and have never been seen again.

• Occasional effort aside, this game ended up breaking the record for All-Star Game scoring. I love that Pat Burns was the Wales coach for this game. I bet he bag-skated everyone the next day.

• Next comes a sequence that really underlines the difference in effort level between this era's All-Star Games and today's version. Kevin Hatcher tries to carry the puck deep, and Doug Wilson rubs him out along the boards. Not a big check, or even really a check at all, but at least a small nod toward what real hockey looks like. Seconds later, Joe Nieuwendyk and Brian Propp have a race for the puck, and they both actually try to win it, even wiping each other out in the process. I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but one more time: All-Star Games are fun if, and only if, the players at least vaguely kind of try.

• Those two plays lead to Lemieux's third goal, the one where he dekes Al Iafrate out of his skates. Poor Al. The night before, he'd won the inaugural hardest shot competition while wearing his helmet to hide his bald spot (a strategy that he probably should have stuck with). He was probably feeling pretty good about himself. Then this. Ouch.

• Seriously, though, Al Iafrate was the freaking best.

• Hey, do me a favour and tell me I'm not the only one who's getting unreasonably annoyed by Fraser dropping the puck with his back to the camera. I've been watching hockey for over three decades and never even realized that referees always face the same direction for center ice faceoffs, but seeing one guy do it wrong has ruined my whole afternoon.

• We're informed that this is just the fourth time in history that a player has scored a hat trick in the All-Star Game. In case you're wondering, 26 years later that number is now up to eighteen. Last year's game had a three-goal and four-goal performance, and neither guy even won the MVP. The modern day All-Star Game sucks, is what I'm trying to say.

• We skip ahead to the third period, just in time to see Lemieux beat Kirk McLean for his fourth of the night. McLean was an example of what was known as the "standup" style, which meant that he'd stand upright and completely still and let pucks go past him without moving. This was the same that every goalie in the league other than Roy used for the better part of a decade, in case you were wondering. But, yeah, we'll get back to 80s/90s scoring levels if we move the blue line a few inches, sure thing.

• If you're wondering why they're showing Gretzky on the bench instead of Lemieux, it's because this was the first NHL game to be shown on NBC in years, and was heavily hyped as a showdown between the league's two top players. Lemieux held up his end; Gretzky was held pointless, but NBC spent a lot of time on him all the same. The reviews were not kind.

• We jump to the postgame ceremony following a 12-7 Wales win, as Lemieux is awarded what we're told is the sixth car that he's won over the course of his career. There's no word on whether that includes the ones he got over the course of his various commercials for child abduction.

• We conclude with a quick interview by Doc Emrick, which includes a weird tangent about Lemieux getting a chance to play with Paul Coffey. True, it was pretty cool to see two generational talents like that out there together. Also cool: Seeing them out there together every other night since 1987, since they'd been teammates for three years.

• The 12 goals by the Wales Conference set a new All-Star Game record; the mark has since been equaled or beaten nine times (including by both teams last year). But fans back then hated it, complaining that the game was too high-scoring and didn't feature enough defence or intensity. Like every other problem from the 1990s, the NHL listened to the fans, acknowledged the problem, and vowed to eventually get around to fixing it sometime in the next five or six decades.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.