Britain’s future is looking shit—there are no two ways about it. Among the various terrible elements of Brexit, one of the worst things is the lack of clarity on exactly how shit it’s going to be. Which version of “shit,” if you will. Are we talking minor shit, like having to pay extra for French wine and hearing more of Jacob Rees-Mogg on the radio, or huge shit, like you’ll forget what a bell pepper tastes like from September to May and we won’t be able to import Epipens?
As is the way with capitalism, a company has figured out how to monetise this fear and uncertainty by creating a “Brexit Box” of stockpiled food. The Emergency Food Storage Company, who usually sell long-lasting powdered meals with a shelf life of between three and 25 years, has now launched a £381 box of emergency rations that comes with the tagline, “Brexit made easy.”
If you’ve been worrying about how you’ll access freeze-dried fried rice or vegetable tikka after we leave the EU with a no-deal Brexit, then fear not, for this box solves all of your needs! Alongside delicious tins of sweet-and-sour chicken and packets of beef and potato stew dust, it also contains a water filter and fire starters for, y’know, when we truly enter societal disintegration and are forced to trade our grandmother’s jewellery for bottles of Evian.
When MUNCHIES spoke to a representative for The Emergency Food Storage Company, we were told the Brexit Box was in “high demand.”
However, surely the issue with a no-deal Brexit is not that we will run out of *all* food, just that we will run out of food that cannot be stored for very long, or food that may become increasingly expensive to import due to new tariffs? Brexit isn’t going to be some Walking Dead post-apocalyptic nightmare that sees us stabbing our neighbour for the last Uncle Ben’s rice packet, it’ll just be really shit for people who need medication regularly or are poor (or both!). The things we’re most likely to run out of are fresh fruit and vegetables imported from warmer Europe during the winter months, international imports that won’t get across the Channel quick enough for demand (like olive oil), and wines that could increase massively in price after supply chains are disrupted between France and England.
But hey, if you want to spend almost £400 on a box full of instant salmon broccoli pasta to alleviate your fears, then be my guest.