Last year, one of the AskReddit questions that made me have a long, hard staring contest with my own asymmetrical reflection was the one that asked “What are some red flags you should look out for in yourself?” I read so many of my own flaws in those comments, from the procrastination to the way I listen to others, to my tendency to apologize for things that I didn’t actually do wrong.
I suppose it’s theoretically possible to read that entire thread without nodding even once, but that’s only because the biggest red flag of all wasn’t listed: eating pizza with a knife and fork. If you do this (and if you’re not currently an Italian, in Italy) then you should just log off and think about your life and your choices. And if you’re one of the 21 people who have decided to back this unholy fork-and-pizza-cutter combination on Kickstarter, then I hope your mother calls to talk some sense into you.
As reported by New Jersey 101.5, there is currently a Kickstarter for the Pizza Fork, which allows its purchaser to use one utensil to both cut a pizza into slices and then to eat each slice by the forkful. It’s a product that says, “I want to eat my pies like Bill De Blasio, Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin, but I also want to do it in a slightly worse way.”
“Step up your pizza eating game with a Pizza Fork,” the Kickstarter campaign wrongly suggests. “A quick and convenient way to single-handedly slice, fork and feed your face. Who knew you could improve the act of eating pizza?” (Sorry, but IMO the only way to improve the act of eating pizza is by eating it faster.)
This $10 abomination is being marketed by Daniel Morvec, who runs a novelty company called Stupidiotic. (One of Stupidiotic’s other products is a plastic neck pouch for carrying a slice of pizza, which suggests that maybe Morvec should needs an intervention before pursuing any further pizza-related activities.)
But one of the strangest aspects of the Pizza Fork—other than everything about it—is that it seems to already exist. Amazon currently sells a Pizza Knife and Fork, and a company called Innopro has also stocked a similar product, the Nyfork (and I sincerely hope that doesn’t mean NY-like-New York fork, for NY-like-New York pizza). That says one thing about Pizza Fork, and another thing entirely about our entire society.
MUNCHIES has reached out to Morvec for comment. As of this writing, the Pizza Fork is currently $8,907 short of its funding goal. To the 21 people who have already contributed: You are unsavable.