It's always been a cardinal rule of mine not to hook up with my co-workers, and—aside from that one time I got with a colleague shortly after he urinated on my friend and I at a work party—I haven't. I'm proud of that. I may not fully be covered in glory, but I'm not fully covered in shame; besides, a little bit of piss is easy to wash off.
But not everyone has my Herculean self-will when it comes to getting with colleagues. For some, the warm happy genital feeling you get when you smush your mouth on another person's mouth is worth the fact that you're probably going to have to avoid the office kitchen for a few days, or six months, or a year, depending on how awkward you get.
As we celebrate the end of the cuffing season, we asked some friends, colleagues, and former co-workers for their worst office romance stories. And remember: If you don't tell anyone about your drunken 3 AM hookup with the married IT guy, it's almost like it didn't happen.
Friends In Unexpected Places
I was super drunk and kissed this guy a while back at a party. It was pretty bad, because one of my friends had been cheating on her boyfriend with him for ages, and quite liked him. I left the club and was literally lying in bed in my pajamas when the guy turned up at my house. We ended up having sex because I was single—I hadn't been laid in ages! He was so embarrassed about it that he unfollowed me on Instagram. Then I was so upset at what he'd done that I deleted my Instagram!
When I started my new job, I realized he was my co-worker—Anna
A Shameful 420 Shag
I went on a night out with a coworker and we ended up doing MDMA and going to a warehouse rave. The following week, we arranged that I'd go over to his house for 420 and we'd smoke weed. We just chatted shit and had sex a couple of times. When I went into work on Monday everybody had found out and was laughing at me because they thought he was such a moron. He was a moron—Shana
Beware Of Malingering Ex-Girlfriends
I got drunk at the Christmas party and got with a colleague who'd broken up with his girlfriend literally the week before. When he left the next morning I started panicking and so I contacted him via Facebook to ask him not to tell people at work. He was nice about it and we started chatting. Next weekend I'm out in a club, it's late, and I start getting insane messages from him—saying I'm a slut and that I need to get an STI check. Turns out, his ex-girlfriend had hacked his account, read all of our messages (including messages about our colleagues), and had posted about 40 screenshots of all of our conversations on his Facebook account, for the entire office to see. She'd also read the messages he'd sent to his friends about how he'd "banged posh Claudia from PR at the Christmas party" and how that was a "victory for the working class." Eventually his mates managed to log into his account, delete the posts and change the password. Great mates! He slept through the whole thing—Claudia
Do Your Research
I went out for a colleague's leaving do. We ended up doing karaoke and getting incredibly drunk and I went home with this guy called George, who used to work in my team but had been moved to a different floor. Next morning he woke me up, asking, "So, are we telling people about this?" "NO!" I shrieked.
I sidle into work separately from him, full of shame, and as I walk in my colleague screams, "Did you go home with pervy George last night?" Everyone laughed. Unbeknownst to me, everyone in the office knew about his lechery and that was his moniker—Emily
Watch: How to Get Over Your Ex
Never Befriend An Intern
I started instant messaging the weird intern in my office in my office out of sheer boredom while I was waiting to hand in my notice at a shitty job. We ended up going for drinks under the guise of a "mentoring session" and had sex. This continued for about a month, with meticulous planning involved to avoid arriving at work at the same time. Then he started asking me to borrow money, inviting himself to dinner, and asking for me to sub him lunch money. When I realized he was just using me for money due to my employed status, I stopped sleeping with him, which was a shame, because the sex was actually pretty decent. Last I heard of him was when he sent me a LinkedIn request for more "mentoring advice"—Fergie
*All names have been changed