Sex

Are You Getting Any? Why I Find Casual Sex So Disappointing

Diane doesn't want to have sex for the sake of having sex.
Nana Baah
London, GB
October 29, 2019, 9:00am
Diane by Sophie Davidson
All photos by Sophie Davidson. 
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Welcome to 'Are You Getting Any?', a column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

DIANE, 21

Quality of sex overall: 6/10
Frequency of sex: 5/10
Intimacy levels: 7/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 9/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 7/10

VICE: Hi Diane! When was the last time you had sex?
Diane: In August.

How have you found not having sex for the past two months?
It’s fine actually, I’m used to it. When I had sex for the first time ever in my life, I did it and stopped straight after. I didn’t have sex for a long time, because I was busy with studying. I didn’t have time to meet people, so it was a long while. Actually, it’s less than a year, but still a long time. But then I started having sex again.

Was there another reason for this break – like studying?
Not really, no. It’s just that I don’t want to have sex with anyone in particular. It’s not that I haven’t had an opportunity to, I just find that having sex is going to be disappointing, really.

So ,you’d only have sex again if you could guarantee that it’s going to be good?
Yeah.

Diane by Sophie Davidson

Diane at home.

So, generally speaking, casual sex hasn’t been great for you?
I’ve only had one one night stand, so I have nothing else to compare it with. With my sexual partners, I’ve always had sex with them multiple times. It’s always been at least twice with them. Now, I may just think this because I am inexperienced, but I feel like to have better and more fun sex with someone, you’d have to have sex with them lots of times. But like I say, I don’t know if that’s true.

Sex always gets better after a few tries?
Actually, not really. The last time I had sex it was with my now ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t satisfied at all.

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What do you mean?
It was alright, it wasn’t disappointing. I’m being dramatic. It was nice, but …

Do you mean you didn’t have an orgasm?
Yeah. [Laughs.] I’ve never had an orgasm.

Diane by Sophie Davidson

Diane says that to "have better and more fun sex with someone, you’d have to have sex with them lots of times."

What about by yourself?
Oh yeah! Of course, on my own. Of course! I kind of tried to teach him [my ex-boyfriend], but I feel like it’s really unnatural when I have to tell them what to do.

What did you do instead?
If I’m not feeling it, I want it to stop. But in the situation, you don’t say 'stop' to the person. You kind of just let it happen, like, "Let’s keep trying."

Do you think your friends or other people your age feel the same way as you?
I don’t know. I mean, there are a lot of people around me having lots of sex, but to me, it’s just for the sake of having sex. If it’s just for that you can easily do it yourself. My first one night stand was a 30-year-old guy, and I felt like he was literally just wanking in me. It was weird.

Photo of Diane by Sophie Davidson

So what do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
Well, social media and self-esteem, maybe it’s about that. You need to get used to someone to have better sex. The first time, you don’t necessarily feel comfortable with the person, so you don’t give yourself entirely. I remember when I was finally like, "OK, I’m going to give myself to my boyfriend," after we had had sex three or four times. Now people don’t have time to get there. For me, I’m focussed on other stuff because I know I can give myself what I want, not boys or anyone else.

What are your views on sex?
It’s not something that’s sacred or anything. I just think there’s no point in having sex with someone when you know it’s going to be shitty. Even when I think about the first time I ever had sex, you know you see a lot of stuff talking about “Ooh, the first time.” I don’t believe in any of that, it was just my first time.

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So, you were underwhelmed when you first had sex?
A bit. When you don’t know what it’s going to be like, obviously you’re a bit influenced by films and stuff. Really, I just wanted to see what everyone was talking about, but it wasn’t that great. I wasn’t impressed, nor disappointed.

Earlier, you said that a lot of your friends are having a lot of sex
Well, I’m thinking about one specific friend. She’s been on this dating app a lot recently and she’s having great sex and discovering people. I think she’s really happy with it, but she wants to stop.

What’s it like being at a different stage in your sex life compared to your friends?
It’s not weird for me. I know what I want right now and she thinks she knows what she wants. Whatever she wants to experience, she’ll learn from it all. I’ve learned from my not-very-existent past sex life. I think it’s all about your experience. I know that maybe in the future, my sex life will be way better than what it is now, but I don’t care right now. I’m more focussed on doing other stuff.

Thanks Diane!

@nanasbaah / @sophieedavidson

If you’re 18-30 years old and want to be featured in the Are You Getting Any? series, send an email to nana.baah@vice.com with the subject 'Are You Getting Any?'