This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
We're almost on the home stretch of this year's Love Island (still about three weeks to go, mind you, so no need to worry about how you're going to reassemble all of the interpersonal relationships you have been severely neglecting once it's over just yet!!), which means it's time to get serious about the show's couples. Questions, naturally, arise. Who is faking it in order to become established enough as a television personality to get a run out on next year's Celebrity Dinner Date? And who is so in love that they'll get an eight-week co-hosting stint doing the entertainment news on Good Morning Britain?
The answers, of course, seem pretty obvious. Dani/Jack are the incumbent winners, and a couple already so nationally adored that they could probably crowdfund a wedding the scale of Meghan and Harry's within a single day; Josh/Kaz are IRL In Love; Georgia is a chancer hypnotising Sam Bird with her topknot and bum; everyone else is somewhere in between, meaning they’ll date for ~three months before Releasing A Statement about how they've broken up on "mutual terms" (i.e. someone was shagging a footballer/Geordie Shore cast member) and "wish each other well".
But sometimes, all is not what it seems. What works on Love Island could be completely different outside of it, with tabloids, new fame and the mounting pressure of trying to book an end-of-year appearance on Dancing on Ice looming. So, in order to determine what's really going on, I have decided to consult the only authority I properly trust (and when I say "trust", I mean "choose to believe when it is predicting I will receive money or luck"): astrology.
The stars have it that our personalities differ depending on the time of year we were born, and that these personalities vary in compatibility with each other. Therefore, they may well hold the mysteries of the Love Island couples' futures – so I enlisted Noisey's Managing Editor and full time astrology buff, Daisy Jones, to talk me through the couples' suitability with each other, based entirely on their star signs. For content, for love:
DANI AND JACK
Her star sign: Leo
His star sign: Taurus
Okay. So. This is the big one. Are these signs compatible? Are Dani and Jack going to be together forever? Please don’t say anything too negative or you will shatter all of my remaining belief in love! No pressure!
Daisy says: Leos and Tauruses are extremely compatible. You don't need me to tell you that – the evidence is right in front of you. As the stars tell it, they are a match made in cosmic heaven. You cannot get more compatible than these two.
That said, both of these signs can be kind of lazy. Leos like having their egos stroked, while Tauruses like being indulged, but neither can be arsed to make the effort for the other person. So while these two will last a long time, I think their joint home will be messy as fuck, with dishes and pants everywhere, and they’ll start ordering takeaway every night of the week, and their sex life will be extremely horizontal, with the TV still on. Which, fair play tbh. Who has time?
JOSH AND KAZ
Her star sign: Aquarius
His star sign: Cancer
I think Josh and Kaz are really cute together! Do their signs agree?
Daisy says: I personally like to avoid Cancers in matters of the heart because they are giant cry babies who want constant emotional attention while also wanting to "look after you" in a way I find stifling. Even if they act chill, you can tell they are not because their feels literally come off them in waves (some famous Cancers: Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Elon Musk).
Aquariuses are kind of the opposite: distant, stubborn, wrapped up in themselves, hot and cold. So based on this alone, in order to achieve longevity, I'm thinking Josh will need to chill out a bit in the future, while Kaz will need to soften up and offer Josh reassurance. Also, IDK about how good these two signs are at shagging. It's all a bit
emotional . Josh will be a very good dad, I’m sure, but maybe not a very good Daddy, you know what I’m saying?
ELLIE AND CHARLIE
Her star sign: Pisces
His star sign: Capricorn
These two are dry as fuck! I don’t care about them at all! Will they last based on the signs?
Daisy says: Nah, listen, Ellie is lowkey the best contestant. She has the bone structure of Debbie Harry and the voice of a Geordie nan. She called someone an "UGLY CUNT" then pouted and wore sunglasses about it. I think she gives off a very "youngest sibling in a family of six" vibe, which is two steps away from BDE. You might not see this – none of you might see this – but I do.
All of which is to say: I don’t care about posh Charlie's star sign, because they’re not compatible anyway. He’s on the wrong show. He should be on Made in Chelsea because that’s where he lives, and as we know, people in Chelsea only date other people in Chelsea so they can have weird, hyggey children who pronounce party like "pardy", and carry on the Made in Chelsea bloodline.
Based on star signs alone, though, they’re an OK match, I guess? I don't sense any fire here. No surprises. No kink. Pisceses can be intense, slippery creatures, with lots of secrets, and Capricorns can be earthy and practical, so they might balance each other out? Either way, I give these two three whole days upon leaving the villa, the last of which Ellie will meet a fit northern Scorpio and dump Charlie over Whatsapp, and he will leave her on read because he literally forgets to reply.
WES AND MEGAN
Her star sign: Pisces
His star sign: Honest to god, I've been trying for days to find out when Wes' birthday is and there's no trace of it anywhere, not on Instagram, not on Facebook, not anywhere, and ITV won't tell me because of GDPR and data protection and blah, blah, blah. Beginning to think Wes was built in some kind of Alpha Male Lab. It would at least explain the fact that he is – it bears repeating – TWENTY YEARS OLD.
LAURA AND NEW JACK
Her star sign: Taurus
His star sign: Capricorn
Two earth signs should make for quite a grounded pair, but I'm not sure – they’re obviously in a bit of disarray at the minute. What do you reckon?
Daisy says: These two should work on paper. Capricorns are practical, reliable and patient. Tauruses are earthly, sensual and grounded. So they should make for a steady pair. I’m picturing Jack chopping wood and making porridge for Laura, who will have two healthy, rosie-cheeked earth sign children called Laura Junior and Jack Junior.
In reality, though, unless you are literally Prince William or Pink Alex, nobody genuinely wants a stable, conservative relationship. You might think you do – in the way you think you want some nice M&S socks, or some brown rice with that fish – and maybe that’s OK for a year or two, maybe three, maybe even four, but one day you’ll wake up and realise that actually today you want to be pegged and fed four consecutive chocolate eclairs, and that’s how affairs happen.
GEORGIA AND SAM
Her star sign: Aries
His star sign: Aries
As an Aries myself, I know that two of us is probably bad news. Also, there’s no way Georgia fancies Sam. What’s going on here?
Daisy says: Lmaooooo of course Georgia's an Aries. Good luck to the both of them.