Pen Pals - A Criminal Career Leads To Fat Chicks

My life of crime began in 1987 when I pissed in a squirt gun and soaked a couple of female camp counsellors with poor attitudes. A couple of years later I was in an elementary school street gang called the Dough Bros and I got suspended. Later, I sold drugs in an attempt to become a self-made millionaire rap star. I was sold on a myth. I bought a real sweet sound system for my minivan and the DEA impounded it. Selling drugs is bad. Unless you don't get caught, then it's the best job around, but I was awful at it.

There are other people like me in here – people who sold drugs, did drugs and now are in this bullshit. I've been behind the fence for about six years now, and I've never done a violent thing in my life. I disgraced my family and broke hearts because I'm a greedy pig with a drug infatuation. I love to play with drugs, but I'm too dumb to get away with it. Only assholes feel sorry for themselves, though. When I get a buncha bullshit thrown at me I should plant stuff in it – fruits and some mustard greens, cabbage and eggplants.

That movie Let's Go to Prison almost had the right idea. It's pretty comedic in here. I've never run into any real danger. People just want to go home these days. I guess there used to be a lot more fights and cuttings, but since 2004 I haven't seen too much. Lots of the younger kids do dumb gang shit and fight over nothing but hurt feelings. I don't know where the gangsters are. Maybe we need alcohol to really get the dumb courage to fight. Even the fights I've witnessed are a joke. Maybe someone gets hurt twice a year in here. Of course, there are much worse places in New York State. All the maxes, for instance. Maybe that's where all the rape and AIDS are at, but I don't hear about it. This place is mostly just a waste of time. Especially this dorm I'm in. We have 13 identical 60-man dorms in here. I'm in the ASAT dorm, which stands for Alcohol and Substance Abuse Treatment. We need to do six months of this to get out.

I have about three weeks left and then I have a parole board hearing in July. My last parole board was two years ago and I got hit with 24 months for no reason. I was on work release and hadn't spent a night in jail in six months. Then a couple of months later I pissed dirty and here I am. So they call me Dirty Bert.

Here's something girls don't know about jail: Being in jail makes your dick grow. FACT. Another fact: I need pussy. I’m like a 31-year-old reborn virgin. It’s cruel and unusual treatment to deprive a man of love and sex, especially if he is married. Only max jails have trailer visits, which makes no sense. These guys are locked up for a long time for violent crime and they are the ones allowed to make babies?!? Some of them have sex with family members, too.

This is my third time in jail. The last two times, my girls left me after three or four months. This one has been with me for 20 months and she is the sanest one of the lot. White girls don't do this, especially not ones who went to Skidmore or some shit. The communities that feed these prisons are full of females who are cool with their man being in jail. It's perplexing. Most of them are fat and/or ugly, but not all of them.

The fat chicks come out of the woodwork for guys in prison. If I had a sister I'd have a fat chick, too. I'd have all her fat friends. I'd tell them I love them and that when I get out all tanned, musclebound, and full of healthy sperm I will make sexy, skinny children with them. I’d say, “I will love you all forever,” but when I got out I’d slampig them and then shit on them, so they'd call my Parole Officer and say I beat them and I'd go back to jail. Oh well.

BERT BURYKILL

Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of a guy serving time in a medium-security prison in upstate New York for drug possession. We don’t want to get more specific than that, because apparently the prison doesn’t look kindly on its inmates publishing anything negative about incarceration.