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2) Bring a soundsystem and listen to your favourite noise album (10cc will go down well I’d imagine).
3) Drink with the hardcore fans and learn all their homophobic chants.
4) Shout at the players.
5) Sleep.If you are watching the game on TV, relax – you’ve got a whole working week to soak up the action. There’s no need to go for broke like you would if you were at the ground. This also means that Sky, who broadcast the games live, can have a sweet advertising field day. The game’s many pauses, breaks, and re-arrangements mean that you can fit about 150 advert breaks into a day’s play. By the end of the Ashes series you’ll be comparing the meerkat dot com 24 hours a day while you consider that cricket – a game whose sloth has made it totally unfathomable in America, where the commercial break is king – has become a massive money spinner for moguls like Rupert Murdoch.So if you wake up, drool running down your face, warm lager slowly evaporating beside you, do not worry, you haven’t died, you are watching cricket.OSCAR RICKETT