First it was being gay, then it was being a nonce and now it's jerking off. The Ancient Greeks were a salacious bunch. Maybe the scholars amongst you already knew this, but according to history's educated perverts, wanking, apparently, is sacred. Yup. Can you hear that sound? The one a bit like the slapping of a sausage against a rubber glove? A gentle creak of the mattress? The soft vibrations of an electric toothbrush in an all girl dormitory? That, my friends, is the sound of a million 14-year-olds celebrating the best news since Ritalin.
According to that old cad the Diogenes of Sinope, the Greek god Pan was taught the divine art of masturbation by his father, the god Hermes. Yes, tossing one off is a gift from the Gods to the lovelorn, the lonely and the listless. Apparently, Pan was so upset by the nymph Echo’s refusal to get sweaty that Hermes took pity and showed him a canny little trick to relieve his suffering.
Being a man of the people, albeit one with hairy legs, divine parentage and magical pipes) Pan then spread word of his new game to the local shepherds, which must have come as a huge relief for the sheep up there on the foothills of Mount Olympus. In Roman legend, Pan was known as Faunus, which may explain why I’ve always found CS Lewis’ faun, Mr Tumnus, so unsavoury. The hairy little wanker.
So let us celebrate this in true Godly fashion. Take the afternoon off, lock the door, and work yourself down to the knuckles. It’s a form of prayer, after all.