This article originally appeared on VICE UK
Would you fuck robot? I would fuck robot. I just think, I mean, I don't want to die, dragged screaming into hell, without just once putting my dick in a robot. Just seems like, well, we have all this technology, right? We were all resistant to iPads when they first announced them, and now we use them all the time. People thought horses would never be eclipsed by cars, and now look at us. Scientists right now in labs around the world are making robots with dicks and tits, and one day we are all going to bite the bullet and fuck them. Just get over it. Open your mind up to that idea. Just get over the fact that, one day, you are going to up and fuck a robot.
But 85 percent of people, it says here, would not fuck robot, even if they had the chance. This is the result of a Sky News poll (science) that said only 15 percent of people would fuck robot. Obvious caveat: that's only 15 percent of the type of people who would vote in a Sky News poll speaking here, so not exactly the most representative sample. However, it does offer a little peek into the freaky mind of a certain subset of Brit. Among this group, 85 percent of the population would not fuck a robot. But why not?
To get a better gauge of the situation, I asked some people I know to draw their ideal fuck robots and then talk me through the various orifices and gizmos. "Really?" a lot of them said. "Do I… I mean, do I have to do this?" Yes. "Do I have to draw a robot I would like to have sex with?" Yes. "Do I have to put my name to it, ruining my SEO credibility possibly forever, so that every time you google my name a thin biro drawing of a sex robot comes up just a little before my actual face?" No, you do not have to put your name to it.
And so, here are various anonymous people's ideal sex robots.
ROBOT #1: JETPACK DICK
VICE: I get the vibe you're not really sure whether you want to have sex with a robot or not.
Anonymous sex robot artist 1: I'm not sure how much I want to have sex with a robot. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. It's more about personality.
I guess that means you don't really crave sex, and actually what you want is stability, support, emotional maturity, a high IQ, kind of all combined with a scooter and a detachable dick.
More of a jet pack than a scooter.
*So, on the whole, would you rather A) have sex with a robot, or B) just have a jetpack and a jerk?*
It would be cool to jerk while you're using the jetpack.
Importantly, would you have sex with robot?
ROBOT #2: BANGDROID
Can I ask you about your sex robot a bit?
Anonymous sex robot artist 2: Absolutely.
Quite a lot going on here. Where to start… why does it have wheels?
The wheels are based on the "swegway" or "hoverboard" wheels we've been seeing in the trap videos recently; I think they add a bit of streetwise flare to proceedings.
I'm guessing the tits go all the way around the robot, kind of like the rings around Saturn, but more erotic?
Yes, there are tits going around the bangdroid. There is also another face that you can't see.
What I am getting from this is: you are a man who likes variety.
Variety, they say, is the spice of life. Sort of how you might watch porn based on your mood.
Exactly. Also, finally: quite jerk-centric, the bangdroid. Really is basically just designed to jerk you off.
Yeah. Why bother doing the work yourself when you have BangDroid™, whose hands have several fingers with a lube-releasing porous latex dermis.
You've really thought about this.
We all have dreams.
This isn't your first sex robot, is it?
This is not my first rodeo, as they say, no.
Would you have sex with robot?
ROBOT #3: SUPER CUMPUTER
What are the caterpillar tracks for?
Anonymous sex robot artist 3: Mobility. Also, it's loosely based on Sir Killalot from Robot Wars.
Are you planning to fuck it on rough terrain, like a quarry?
Who knows where I'll need [to be] fucked. I'd like to know that I can just send out a signal and he will arrive. He/she.
*Yeah, I noticed it's a very gender fluid sex robot. I also noticed you've drawn a sort of target for the "hole." Why's that?*
Yeah, I wanted to make sure the hole was obviously a hole, and not some sort of button. Plus, we're talking about fucking on a whole new level here. There are no instructions; your dad never told you how to fuck a robot. So the arrows were the least I could do.
I understand the iPad—so you can choose a projection of someone or something to pretend to fuck—but the shaking hand. Please explain the shaking hand. Are you an advocate of extremely polite foreplay?
I do want to state that the iPad is to provide visual prompts for those struggling to straight up fuck a robot the first time around. The idea is that, after time, you won't need that. As for the hand…
So, I feared that giving my robot speech or sound would get annoying over time, and increase its chance of learning and interacting and generally getting a bit above its station. That said, I wouldn't want to bang this thing and then come away with a guilt complex. Like it wasn't into it, or something. So I gave it the hand, so we could shake hands afterward and I could walk away knowing it's all gravy.
That's almost sweet.
Would you fuck robot?
[Extremely politely] Yes.
Watch our film 'Digital Love Industry', about the people making sexbots come to life.
ROBOT #4: PRACTICAL FUCKBOT 1.0
*Your robot looks like an insect.*
Anonymous sex robot artist 4: Yeah, I don't want a sexy robot. I'm not having sex with a robot to be aroused; I'm having sex with it to say I did it. That said, I have just remembered I forgot to put tits on it.
*There also don't appear to be any holes for the penis.*
They are underneath, beneath the LCD pubes. I didn't want to draw a robot fanny, to be perfectly honest with you.
*It's called a "practical fuckbot," yet the practicality of shagging a robot through a trestle table, unable to see the porn on display on the front or the eyes, seems impractical to me. Care to explain yourself in more depth?*
There's a hinge or something, on the trestle table bit to tilt it back so you can see the porn and the eyes and still fuck it. Fundamentally, I wanted to be able to tuck this monstrous thing away in a cupboard when I'm not using it. That felt necessary. *Do you think the dehumanization of sex could be a positive thing? There is nothing remotely personable about your sex droid.*
If I wanted to have sex with a human, I'd have sex with a human. I think it's more troubling to make a robot in the shape of a human and fuck it than my solution; that's more dehumanizing. Also, I don't really, truly, want to fuck a robot more than once.
I'm starting to think you don't want to fuck this robot at all.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want to have sex with a robot.
Would you fuck robot?
Probably not, no.
ROBOT #5: FUK M–8
*Talk me through the multi-hole™. It says it can adapt to replicate any orifice, but at the best I can recall, there are only three orifices on offer in humans. What can the multi-hole™ do?*
Anonymous sex robot artist 5: OK, basically I'm imaging it on a swivel hinge like those weird camera phones that can spin round, and the hole itself is kind of an amorphous orifice, soft inside, with motors, or whatever, that can make it tighter, looser… various massage functions, maybe some kind of retractable rubbery tongue.
What is the touchscreen on the genderless torso for?
Oh yeah, forgot to label that. It's basically an iPad, for checking Twitter/work emails/Netflix.
In case you get bored of fucking your robot.
Yeah, or just have other stuff you could be doing.
The main insight I am getting about you from FUK M–8 is that you are bang into love handles.
Love handles get a bad rap. Obviously they're not sexy, but they're incredibly functional.
Why would you need eight lovehandle-shaped contact points on a fuckbot that can already hover and fly?
Sometimes you'd want to take the reins a bit.
I'm not sure you've thought this through. Also, you're the only person who designed a fuckbot that can also hug them—you OK, hun?
That's a pretty key part of sex, tbh. The face on the top would change to something soothing, and the four arms could hug away the pain and loneliness that inevitably comes with fucking a robot.
But would you fuck robot?
If it hugged you afterwards, yeah.
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FUCKBOT #6: TIFFANY, THE FUCKBOT
I kind of want to be friends with your sex robot.
Anonymous sex robot artist 6: I know. Now I feel like she's my best friend. I think she should have a name, like Tiffany, or something awful and American. Or maybe something more intellectual.
Remember she is a robot. She has a trampoline instead of a crotch. Also, talk me through the trampoline crotch.
Yes, the crotcholine. It's just so things aren't too serious—you can limber up for the sex beforehand by bouncing on her.
She also has a tickling stump and a teddybear full of sweets.
Yes she does.
I mean, tits aside, she'd be quite good for children's parties.
And she can educate the kids because she's so clever, and read them stories from her book. She's currently reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Why do you need a robot to be smart before you fuck it?
So that it knows what to do. So that it doesn't accidentally fist you.
I can't imagine being fisted with a tickling stump is much fun.
No, it's just not what you want.
Would you fuck robot?
ROBOT #7: ROSIE
Your robot is less a fuckbot and more a sort of chair that you sit in and have an orgasm delivered onto you. Are you an incredibly lazy lay? This is a very passive fuckbot.
Anonymous sex robot artist 7: Yes, it is an orgasm-delivering device. Is that not what we long for? A robot is a soulless machine regardless of if I bestow it with human-like qualities, so I decided to forego that whole charade and cut to the chase. It is a strictly utilitarian fucktoy.
*There seems to be a pincer coming out of the bottom? And two out the sides? Are you OK, dude?*
The top two pinchers are for nipple tweaking, if you desire it, and the lower one is the testicular masher, if you are brave. They are designed to look like the hands of the Jetsons' robo-nanny, Rosie. It is for her that the chair is named.
Would you fuck robot?
Oh good god damn and HELL, yes!
@joelgolby is very sorry about all this.