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Insurance-Free Cure: Repeated blunt trauma to the headDo you have a problem with incredible head pain accompanied by visual auras, the perception of flashing lights, and extraordinary nausea? Don't have enough money to see a doctor? No worries, weak-brained liberal compadre. Get yourself to the nearest wall and immediately smash your head against it repeatedly. See if you can draw blood while you're at it! You'll be so distracted by the red rivers of life oozing into your eyeballs as well as the fresh agony of an open head wound, you won't have time to resent your inability to pay for a neurological evaluation!

Insurance-Free Cure: PregnancyDid God curse you by making you a woman instead of a man? Is he working out his latent anger at Eve the Betrayer by ensuring the shedding of your uterine lining is absolutely agonizing? And are you unable to take any time off your underpaid, nonunion job in order to visit the gynecologist to find out if your life-basket is all right? Then get down on your God-forsaken lady-knees and pray a sweet little prayer to Jesus asking Him to alleviate your suffering by sending you the Lord's most precious gift: a baby. Whether the intercourse to produce this child is consensual or not, the end game is the same: a blessed 9-month reprieve from the horrific lunar squeezings. Remember, you haven't served your purpose as a female until you've brought forth spawn!
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Insurance-Free Cure: Pretend it's not thereGout is a kind of arthritis that occurs when uric acid builds up in the blood and produces a red, tender, hot, swollen, inflamed joint. It's enormously painful and can lead to a reduction in mobility as well as quality of life. Left untreated, it can even lead to kidney stones. In other words, gout is a disgusting malady suffered by disgusting humans. If you are one of them and you can't afford top quality health insurance because you're not rich, either quit being gross and poor or just pretend your debilitating form of arthritis isn't actually real. "Looks like you're having trouble walking, pal," a well-meaning but misguided friend may say. "Fuck no!" is the appropriate response. "I'm feelin' fine!" You'll feel just like a rich person who actually feels fine!

Insurance-Free Cure: See "Gout."Previously - John McCain Hates America@SaraJBenincasa