In order to give you a little respite from the constant outflow of cash this city has caused you, here’s a game you can play without spending any money at all. Shit, you could even play it sober. Just find all the folks in the following pages, make sure you have a camera or a buddy to verify your catch, and POWZERS! You are Grand Champion Vegas Guy or something.
SPILLS: OK, this one’s a gimme. At any given moment on the Strip, any given day, somebody is tumbling over in a fit of drunken laughter/barfing. It’s one of the city’s leading exports.
MIDDLE AMERICA: A good way of telling you’ve spent too long in town is when the idea of being nestled between the generous bellies of these guys on every elevator ride no longer provokes an endless series of shudders.
HINTS OF DANGER: Yes, there is some actual seedy business going down just outside the perimeter of Touristville but as we’ve told you, unless you’ve got a few years as a local under your belt, you’re not invited. It’s best to just content yourself with subtle reminders of its proximity.
BROS: These guys emanate from the Palms in 10- to 20-guy waves and serve as a reminder at all times that LA is just a four-hour car ride away.
GUYS INTO MONEY: Here and 1980s Wall Street are the only two places in America you can pull off rich, late-20s prick without being some Armenian turd whose dad buys him a Viper every year.
RECENT LOSERS: Possibly the only thing sadder than the old locals are the fresh ones, saps whose “big break” just evaporated right in front of their saggy faces and are now stuck here for eternity. Bonus points if you see one of these guys trudging toward the gun range.
DRUNK MOMS: This is the first non-secret drinking they’ve done since squeezing out Haley and Madison, so you can typically tell them from a distance by the shrillness of their cackling. Catch them before 11 when their husbands have to carry them groaning back to the room.
DRUNK DADS: Look for these delightful tipplers at the center of the wide berth of space created by all the kids he’s tried to approach.
TEEN GIRLS SEPARATED FROM THEIR PARENTS: The more drunken and drug-fueled the party you’re at, the greater likelihood you’ll have of running into two 15-year-olds tearing it up with nobody batting an eye.
TEEN GUYS SEPARATED FROM PARENTS: On the other end of the chromosome pool, you can typically find their brothers making several furtive passes by the windows of the porn shops before retreating to their room to catch some “movies” for the night.
ETHNIC OUTSIDERS: For all New York and LA’s claims at diversity, Las Vegas draws a truly mixed bag. Don’t be surprised to run into genuine cultural rarities like lazy, immobile Asians and modest Brits.
DEBAUCHED PUNKS: In spite of the anti-establishment bullshit they may use to get laid back home, it’s not at all unusual to see one of these guys Sidding out in the Flamingo next to some 60-year-old oil magnate.
WAKING DEAD: Due to the beneficial effects of the dry desert air and abundance of eye candy, many corpses come out here to while away their golden years in desiccated enjoyment.
WOMEN WITH NECK INJURIES:For some reason you’ll see a lot of these eager beavs who aren’t about to let a little thing like healing time get in the way of splurging their car-accident windfall.
FRESH CHARGES: There’s a window of about one year in which girls can live out the whole Vegas sexpot thing before turning into rolly, meth-mouthed reptiles. Take advantage while you can.
AVN CONVENTIONEERS: Actually, it may be worth it not to win this game just to avoid having to go anywhere near these half-plastic walking anime characters.