Keep Your Reputation Tight with Reconstructive Hymen Surgery (or, if You're Poor, Chinese Hymens)

Illustration by Kara Crabb

You know how, growing up, your mom was always like, “Don’t have sex until you get married or else your husband will throw you in the garbage and you’ll die a dirty, trash-covered slut”? But then the hormones came and you got too horny and started boning dudes like it was your day job? In hindsight, you probably wish you could go back in time so that you could lose your virginity all over again, right?

Well, whores, do I have some good news for you: Reverting your vagina to its pre-popped state is possible. (Not in the medical sense, of course, but in the by-the-standards-of-the-poorly-educated-and-ultrareligious sense.) In fact, many women around the world are doing it at this very moment!

Reconstructive hymen surgery is one of the most popular cosmetic procedures in China today, costing ambitious young girls up to $700 per sew-up. Apparently bleeding all over your bedsheets on your wedding night is symbolic of a loving, eternal relationship.

Don’t have the funds? Don’t worry! If pussy-regression surgery is too pricey for you, you can opt for the next best thing: an artificial hymen, also known as a “Chinese hymen” because, again, Chinese ladies (or their traditional-minded fellas) love virgin vag. This fabulous invention, a veritable miracle of modern science, is a fake fleshy membrane that tightens up your baby hole and actually “bleeds” slightly when penetrated. It doesn’t produce too much of the red stuff, though—just enough for you to brag about getting deflowered all over again. And we’re not talking cheap Halloween blood made out of food coloring or whatever. The flow that drips out of this thing will ensure an everlasting memory of a painfully awkward consummation as if it were real.

In any case, you should pick one up. Why wouldn’t a gal want an extra hymen just lying around at her disposal? You could use them for all sorts of fun and put them anywhere! Your dog’s ass, your father’s dickhole, your master’s thesis. Or do what I did and buy a pack of ten for $150 at hymenshop.com. That way you can relive losing your virginity over and over and over again, because let’s face it, there’s nothing sexier then forcefully tearing through a solid wall of flesh. Just ask your Nana. She’ll tell you.

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