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Girl Eats Food - Beef Steak in Banana Sauce

An Asian pirate speciality.

I’m well aware using one of the cheapest cuts of cow is a complete boner kill to pretentious foodies. Sure, expensive meat is a nice, offalless treat every now and again, but a slab of sturdy top rump is the ride-or-die chick of the steak world. Of course, once you’re cooking with mystery meats, it’s gonna need more treatment than just lathering up with butter. Thankfully, this recipe could make tree-rat roadkill more tender and delicious than any conceited asswipe chef with a wine-tasting qualification ever could. Beef Steak in Banana Sauce I use banana for pretty much everything—in cocktails, in wallpaper paste, in street fights—but for a long time I drew the line at this marinade. History claims that it was invented by Asian pirates or something, but they’re not known for their culinary knowledge and it looks like pureed scabs. However, after years of boycotting it, I finally gave it a go only to discover it was like the delicious bastard child of ketchup and Chipotle sauce, AKA the dream condiment. Ingredients


3 x big bananas
Half an onion
1 x chopped chili
1/2 x teaspoon salt
1 x teaspoon brown sugar
1/2 x teaspoon allspice
1/4 x teaspoon ground turmeric
1/4 x teaspoon paprika
1/2 cup white vinegar
splash of fine white wine or Lambrini
1 x tablespoon soy sauce
1/4 x cup water
BEEF… any cut of beef Step 1.

Sweat the onions in oil with your chili and spices until squidgy. Step 2.

Add more fat and stir in the bananas. Mush everything round the pan till the banana looks like a collection of Courtney Stodden’s bleached assholes. Step 3.

Pour in the liquid ingredients. It will smell like a vinaigrette douche but power through it, that’s the shit that will make your cow tender. Step 4.

To take the edge off the traumatic smell add some booze. Any will do, but I opted for a sugary glug of hummingbirds’ tears. Step 5.

Leave everything to simmer down to an orange mulch for a half hour. Step 6.

Once mulched, blitz into a spiced fruit cement.

Step 7.

Look at these beautiful chunks of gangrenous cattle flesh!

Unload your banana slop over the beef and leave to marinade for at least an hour. The longer you leave the meat in the sauce, the less it will taste like the sell-by-date scribbled on the packet was just a broad estimation. Step 8.

Marinated, the vinegar will have now bullied your beef into tasty submission. To cook, the steaks need to be fried at devastating chip-pan levels of heat. So, once it feels like your face is melting over the stove, slap them on and brown either side until they look like food.


And there you have it; a scrumptious dinner of spicy filet o’ poverty and banana. Serve with a carb crash and easy of access to a toilet.


Previously – Student Banquet Special