Tony Romo is floundering on his football journey. He has as much chance of winning the Super Bowl right now as Don Johnson does of winning an Oscar. Last season, he stepped into his role as the Cowboys starting QB a young, untested rookie. He performed very well. Then in the playoffs, God, or some force, said, "Not yet," and Tony subsequently mishandled the snap on what would probably have been the game-winning field goal. He tried to run with the ball. That did not work. So he sat on the field, Wile E. Coyote-style for a few seconds then had a solid eight months to reflect on how he let down 50+ teammates, the city of Dallas, and all of the Cowboy fans throughout the universe.This season, he basically got the same, ultra-talented team back. He led them. They did very well. Then, right around Thanksgiving, God or some force delivered another test. They said, "Here's Jessica Simpson. You're really focused right now. Your team can maybe win it all, or you can turn your attention to Jessica and her body… and her dad." Tony chose the body, and he has sucked almost ever since.Still, the Cowboys had done so well, they got a round-one bye in the playoffs. Tony could have used that time to reflect and re-jigger his energy. He did not. He chose to go to Los Cabos, Mexico, with some of his teammates, Jessica, and, of course, her parents.In my own life, I have almost no discipline. No rules. The only principles I have are these: 1) Try to never go to a place where Sammy Hagar has smiled. And 2) Try to never go to a place where Sammy Hagar has experienced pleasure. Tony, in traveling to Los Cabos, obviously doesn't share my outlook. It will most certainly haunt him.So he's in Cabo with Jessica Simpson and her ever-present parents. She's like 27, and still mom and dad are always around. The last time I saw parents play such a prominent role in a kid's life, I was watching Happy Days, and even then at least Howard Cunningham (played by the genius Tom Bosley) had the good sense to go soak his hemorrhoids in a dish of vanilla ice cream all by his lonesome once in a while.Apropos of nothing: A circle of beefy Cowboys are standing near Joe Simpson in an elegant Cabos condo. Through a sliding glass door, they're watching Jessica and Tony frolic near the pool.Cowboys: Now that's sweet.Joe Simpson: Now that is sweet. Say, guys, how'd ya like to put on your tight little padded football pants and chase Mama around?Cowboys: (laughing) With all due respect sir…Joe Simpson: Pweease?Cowboys: Mr. Simpson… You're talking about your wife!Joe Simpson: (incredulous) Who???Cowboys: That is Mama, right?Joe Simpson: (removing lip gloss from his lips, with the back of his hand, quietly) No. (He runs into the bedroom and dives onto the bed, burying his face into the pillow.)Tony. It's too late to redeem yourself this season. Try again next year. Wait… T.O. might play.If T.O. doesn't play:Giants 31 - Dallas 24If T.O. plays:Dallas 28 - Giants 10It's kind of lame not to make a prediction, so… even though the Giants have been playing well, and I am sorry about all the mean things I've said about them… and this goes against everything in the post.Dallas 27 - Giants 19But I am rooting for the Giants.SEATTLE AT GREEN BAYLast time Matt Hasselbeck was in Green Bay for the playoffs, he made a giant rube of himself when the game went to overtime, and, like a teenager with his first bellyful of Sun Country wine coolers who has somehow snuck into a strip club, he behaved with zero self-restraint and made a giddy, goofy, goggle-eyed prediction. He subsequently got slammed like an old lady in a bad neighborhood in a 70s cop show. He redeemed himself a couple years later by making it to the Super Bowl, but the Seahawks didn't win, so maybe he didn't redeem himself after all.After that Packers-Seahawks game, the Packers traveled to Philadelphia and experienced 4th and 26, what is now one of the most dismal memories in the annals of Packers history.But enough boring shit. Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is Elisabeth Hasselbeck of The View, (she's married to his shlubby brother Timmy, who is the 90th-string QB for the Arizona Cardinals) one of the most ill-informed, churlish, reactionary turkeys currently alive today. So, unless she announces her resignation this afternoon, I'm guessing the Packers will win 1,014-3. That's all.Last week there were readers of this blog who were basically like, "What the fuck?" about football and I'm pretty sure the talking boiled ham in this video (sorry to go back to the Cowboys again) is the reason you hate the sport if you do:We need to take the sport back from stooges like him and these folks:And these folks.My best memories of football are more akin to this:But even this (wait for the snippets of highlights to kick in, they're interspersed throughout the tardfest) happened that same day:Oh well.Packers 1,014 - Seattle 3Make book on that.
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