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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL (NOT VICE-PRESIDENTIAL) DEBATE LIVEROUNDTABLE

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Tonight, in lieu of a simple liveblog, we will be hosting a liveroundtablediscussion of the final presidential debates. Instead of one person dictating their thoughts to the masses at large (like Hitler), we've got people from all walks of life, different continents, and various states of consciousness each adding their voice to the meaty, analytic stew. It will be the sound of true democracy in action, but as words you read on a website. We also have a man on the ground a la the last one, however, this time he's actually in the press room, swapping breaths with the shining lights of our nation's fourth estate. How is that for a coup? Check back at 9 when this business gets going.

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6:27 - Oops, Photo by Stephen Cooney.

7:54 - To keep things from getting confusing, we've come up with a system of corresponding typographical styles to identify each participant. This way, rather than forcing you to read our full name every time we've got something to say, you can just glance down at your screen and go, "Ah, bold capslock, the drunk guy." Nice and easy.

Here are tonight's roundtablers in their signature fonts:

Thomas, Vice blog guy
Rocco Castoro, Vice associate editor
Liz Armstrong, longtime Vice contributor
Stephen Cooney, Vice's Hofstra campus correspondent
Jamie Hodgson, reporting from latenight London
John Sharkey, reporting from 12 hours in the future
A DRUNK GUY WATCHING THE DEBATES AT A BAR
A STONED GUY WATCHING THE DEBATES ON HIS FRIEND'S COUCH
Former Lindsay Lohan boyfriend Nondor Nevai

Got it?

8:23 - First update from Stephen: "Hofstra has spent the past two weeks fixing up two parts of the student sports center for the debate. One of the gyms is being used as the hall everyone sees on TV; the other is an oversized high school cafeteria for the media folks, which is where I am right now. Here's what it looks like:

There are about 700 folding chairs jammed behind collapsible tables facing a sports bar's worth of TVs. The dead area of open carpet is being called "Spin Alley" because that's where the candidates' spokespeople come to talk to the reporters. I wish people would stop using that corny term. I got a photo pass through the school and am seated right between four middle-aged guys from Politico and the Washington Post team. Al Jazeera is somewhere over to the right. Everybody's chowing down right now and drinking Bud or one of those fancy "Anheuser Selects" beers. Evidently AB's sponsored every debate since '92.

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8:24 - Oh, and the Washington Post guys are fiddling around video ichat like it's the first time they've ever seen it. Maybe the paper just bought them new laptops.

8:28 - Hmmmm, I can see that underscore thing getting a little bit taxing on the eyes. Might be time for a rethink. Does anybody know the HTML for different colored fonts?

8:33 - All right, I just looked it up and it is far too complicated to bother learning. Just getting this took a string of six random characters, why can't they just make it "< purple >< /purple >"?

8:43 - Things are starting to get moving. Janet Brown just came out onstage and explained to the crowd that these debates are "important to the outside world's view of democracy." Then a guy from the Debate Commission told everyone to turn off their phones and keep from clapping, then for some reason he said "In case you didn't know, this election we are either going to have the first African American president or the first female vice president." It would have been great if someone in the audience had gasped really loudly.

8:47 - I just went to the deli around the corner to pick up some toilet paper and asked the little Dominican guy behind the counter what he thought about tonight's debate. He's for Obama because "the other guy is old and will die soon and he's the same as before." I wanted to ask him some more questions but the Polish guy behind me with four Żywiecs wasn't having it.

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8:48 - Did we fuck up the schedule? It's ten till and all I've got is baseball, ANTM, that Flava Flav show that's doing everything in its power to undermine the last 50 years of civil rights progress, and a PBS special on the Hindenburg. They keep showing the swastika on the tail going up in flames in slo-mo, which seems kind of ominous.

8:51 - I still can't believe they put that tranny on Top Model. Wouldn't her testosterone give her an unfair advatange?

8:55 - I'd rather be watching the season finale of Project Runway. I'm having a dinner party--friends arriving right as the debate begins. I have one fork and no chairs.

8:58: CNN just talked about candidates being able to kill each other on television.

9:01 - Crap, everybody's posts keep erasing the others. It's like we're rival time travelers.  Probably should have worked out the kinks before this started.

9:03 - He did this last time with Teddy Kennedy in the hospital. Can this guy go to a single debate without the rest of the government falling apart?

9:04 - I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS ELECTION. I AM PROBABLY THE LEAST QUALIFIED PERSON YOU COULD TALK TO ABOUT THIS. THE ONLY REASON I'M WATCHING THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO. PEOPLE AT THE BAR SEEM EXCITED THOUGH.

9:05 don't worry dude, I'm not qualified either. My commentary involves throwing things at the TV.

9:07 AAAAGH. I hate allegories about people named Joe. We know not everyone in this country is named Joe.

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9:08 - Plumbers are fucking LIARS!

9:10 Shut up about Joe. Since when has Joe the plumber been qualified to do anything but clear the hair out of my drains?

9:10 - Wait, this is confusing. Obama wants to initiate a system of class warfare in which plumbers will be the ultimate victim, but McCain wants plumbers to orchestrate the redistribution of coroporate wealth?

9:13 This Joe stuff is embarrassing. I'm gonna watch Project Runway for a minute.

9:16 Ooh, they're talking about a sick double-bun style for long hair. I'm gonna try that.

9:16 - DAVE'S NOT HOME YET! I'M SORRY! I'LL WRITE AS SOON AS I CAN GET IN

9:17 - Really alienating himself from the cartoon nerd vote with all that planetarium claptrap.

9:21 - Ohh, it looks like Bob Schieffer is actually doing his job. I hope he shouts at someone soon.

9:23 - Standing up to the Leisure Party? Hello, new affiliation.

9:26 - Yes! Fight FIGHT FIGHT. Bob's totally making them fight.

9:27 - This is like a therapy session. McCain's all "That really hurt my feelings."

9:30 - Just got a text from Nondor. It says "¬ø bar"

9:30 - Evidently a major past time in the press room is taking everything that each guy says and repeating it all sarcastically. Aside from somebody who mumbled something about this place being like a funeral parlor, i have heard nothing for the last ten minutes except for keys pounding and speaker static. These people are boring.

9:34 - McCain just whined about inappropriate T-shirts!

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9:34 - I would kill for them to breakdown the different unacceptable t-shirts that each campaign is making. I can see it build up to a furor like that old Chevy Chase/Richard Pryor job interview sketch.

9:39 - Look, what's the big deal about Bill Ayers? I've hung out with the guy, he's totally normal. And what 20-year-old hasn't thought about blowing up a building?

9:37 - I hate when they give laws cutesy names like that, "Motor-Voter Act." Laws should have solid, dour names, like the "Ebbington-Reynolds Civic Responibility Tariff." Names that chisel themselves into your brain in those angular Roman Empire letters.

9:42 - Sorry, I got hung up trying to look up the name of that typeface. What's with all the font-talk tonight?

9:42 - HOLD ON I GOTTA STEP OUTSIDE… THE ISSUE SEEMS TO BE MCCAIN WANTS TO CUT TAXES FOR EVERYONE INCLUDING BIG BUSINESS AND THAT WILL CREATE NEW JOBS WHILE OBAMA WANTS TO RAISE TAXES AND THAT WILL HELP "JOE THE PLUMBER" GET A NEW MONKEY WRENCH OR SOMETHING. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW EVERY TIME ONE OF THEM SLANDERS EACH OTHER HE TAKES SOME SHIT OUT TO WRITE ON HIS YELLOW NOTEBOOK PAPER. WHO IS HE WRITING TO? WHERE IS THAT PAPER GOING?

9:45 - The other day my roommate brought home a baby snapping turtle he found while working in Westchester. We just realized Bob looks exactly like the little guy.

9:45 - Trying to keep up with all the participants is making it hard to pay attention to the debates. Are they still talking about scalpels? This election should be known as the distended metaphor election.

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9:47 - Hey, Sharkey here in Australia. I'm listening to the Phillies game and couldn't give two shits about these debating fools. They're up 3-0 to the dodgers and are clinching the play-offs with this win! Rollins got a fucking homer in the first!

9:49 - I'M IN NOW, HAD TO GET PIZZA TOO. WHAT'D I MISS?

9:50 - This goddamn thing is starting to look like that Time Cube guy's site.

9:51 - Yeah, it could really stand to be a little more discuss-y. What's your roommate do up in Westchester?

9:53 -  Whoa whoa whoa whoa Colombia is the largest national importer, of our privates? Did that really just Strangelove its way out of McCain's throat?

9:55 - Really riveting gossip about the Williamsburg lez scene over here. Dinner was good. We ate with spoons.

9:56 - I think Obama just hurt the Tribune's feelings with that last comment. Some guy three rows in front of me just threw up his in disgust. I think the McCain campaign is preparing for the worst tonight. There are about 20 volunteers hovering around three copiers and then walking around in purple hats handing out McCain/Palin printouts to whoever'll take them. I thought it was going to be a lot more interesting to see the media hard at work in this thing. I just made a quick circle of the room to make sure I wasn't the only one alive.

10:00 - HAS OBAMA GOTTEN TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT PALIN YET? I FEEL LIKE HE JUST MISSED SOME GOLD. BUT WHAT WAS THAT QUESTION? I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE AUTISM CAME FROM. IN THIS CONVERSATION. NOT LIKE… IN LIFE. I DON'T THINK I EVEN KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS.

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10:02 - Just went back to the deli to grab a beer. While I was there some girl told me my shoe was untied and I noticed a Corolla with "Taxi for Rent" written on the back window. If anyone wants to pretend to be a gypsy cabbie for the night call 347-244-8243.

10:02 - These guys are really putting the strained anal back in strained analogy. If I ever run for office, it's going to be on a dual No Patronizing Metaphors/Restore the Gold Standard platform. That reminds me, are they having any of those third party debates this year?

10:05 - Wait… is he STILL talking about Joe the Plumber? Or is it Joe Biden? Joe Six-pack? Joe Strummer? Are you serious, buddy?

10:06 - Nader is lecturing in the city somewhere tonight. I think he's being rude. Right now is no time for third-party shenanigans.

10:07 - [sorry, this is way too long to type into caps] Weed: This is so fucking cliche. i just spilled the bongwater. i swear. ugh. i just heard something about reduced oil and tight new american cars etc. on my way here i walked past one of those toyota prius cars and i didn't make any noise! i'd never thought about that before, it was sooo quiet, that has to be ridiculously dangerous, right? ben was saying there was a problem about that already like people had died or something but i wasnt really paying enough attention

10:09 - [weed guy again]: i have yet to really listen to anyone's answers but i'm looking at their faces. seems like obama gives a straight answer and then mccain makes some snide remark about obama. mccain looks like kermit. i always thought that. he's got jaaawls. look at those flabby lil cheeks! hahahaha! obama's lips are ridiculously purple.  also, what's up with his 5 oclock shadowed upper lip? he didnt shave before a debate??

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10:12 - We're about to have a pillow fight over here.

10:13 - [weed]: SHUT THE FUCK UP! who interrupts? is this the fucking view? sheesh mccain, you're like that little fucker in bushwick who just yelled at me for wearing a sweater. who does that? btw, remember how obama used to smoke? i had totally forgotten that until you start lookin at those purple lips and then suddenly you can imagine him smoking and goddamn i bet he looked really great doin it too. he like some noir detective, all fedora'd and trenchcoat'd

10:14 - WHO'S THIS JOE GUY?

10:19 - YOU WANT AN UPDATE? I THINK MCCAIN SEEMS LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. HOLD ON, HOLD ON I'M SURROUNDED BY THE POLISHED ATTITUDES OF PEOPLE IN THE BAR. LET ME MOVE AWAY… OTHERWISE I AGREE WITH OBAMA ON HEALTHCARE. BUT I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE WRITING ON THE YELLOW PAPER.

10:21 - The pizza guy just showed up two and a half hours after I called it in. I had totally forgotten I even ordered it. How free should this thing be? Like times negative five, right? If anybody out there is willing to walk over to Tony's on Graham and Metropolitan and give them a really strident What the Fuck, I will seriously give you $10. I can't do it right now because of all this, and it'll be too late by the time the debate is over. Just document yourself if you do it, and we can work out the payment tomorrow morning. $20 if you throw something.

10:24 - OBAMA'S NOT WRITING ANYTHING ON HIS PAPER… HE'S JUST DOODLING. GOD I'D KILL TO SEE WHAT HE'S DRAWING. I JUST SAW A GLIMPSE OF A BUNCH OF CIRCLES WHICH I LIKE TO IMAGINE ARE TITS. BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST SOME FRACTAL PATTERN SPIRALING INTO SPACE. I BET HE'S DEEP LIKE THAT.

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10:25 - Precious children who have autism. At least it's clear what this election's "Gollum Moment" is going to be.

10:26 - Sorry I got sidetracked. My roommate and his girlfriend just got into a brief I'm-making-fun-of-you-because-you'll-punish-me-later-in-bed-for-making-fun-of-you-in-front-of-someone fight. She said his feet "smell like a yeast infection."

10:26 - So, since I have spent the last three hours of my life staring at the backs of the heads of some of the guys in the media I figured I would go check out their live blogs and I was greatly disappointed when I realized that it was just a recap of what was going on. It is like watching a boxing match with the color commentary ten seconds after the punches landed. I don't get it everyone could have done the same thing they are doing now from home and not paid the internet fees or the access fees, or teh travel time. I am hoping this mean that something really special like fireworks happens in "spin alley"

10:27 - Oh yeah baby the phils are up 5-0! two throwing errors in one inning by those dopey bums in La. Maybe if they pulled their dicks out of their mouths and put them back in their asses they could make some plays!

10:29 - I WANT TO GET CAVALIER.

10:31 - OBAMA'S POINT ABOUT PARENTS GETTING MORE INVOLVED WAS A DIRECT RIPOFF OF CAMRON'S IDEOLOGY FROM THE O'REILLY FACTOR. I MEAN… RIPPING OFF OTHER PEOPLE'S SPEECHES AND NOW STEALING FROM CABLE? DAVE JUST REMINDED ME, REMEMBER WHEN CAMRON INTERRUPTED THE TEACHER AND THE TEACHER SAYS, "YOU INTERRUPTED ME" AND CAMRON GOES "YOU MAD?"

10:32 - The McCain supporters just made thier way into the no spin zone and you know what should be a necessary accessory for Partisan supports. Red hats and giant signs. Nothing looks better than red hats and giant signs. How are you supposed to take anyone serious who looks more ridiculous than the legalize weed guy at all the rallies on campus.

10:34 - OK y'all, I'm going to go find Joe the Plumber because I feel like a clogged toilet after watching that. Have a nice night.

10:34 Ok that was boring. I'm gonna go do dishes now.

10:39 - Wow, we really covered a lot of ground tonight. No word from Britain apparently, which may or may not have something to do with it being like 3 there. Next time we're going to have a fully interactive chatstream with commentary from members of all international Vice editions, a pair of old opinionated guys at a diner, members of the New England Confederation Alliance, a couple 8-year-olds, and somebody who's good with economics. See you in 4 years!

10:40 - I jsut walked around the Spin zone and there is nothing going on at all. McCain supporters are carrying giant yellow and blue signs while Obama supporters are being marked by small blue and white banner like signs. Seems a little bit more subtle but i guess it would reflect the campaigns. These guys in the press tables are seriously like bee's on honey right now. I have never seen a group of people dash from their seats faster than these people did. Usually people take a second to enjoy what has just happened but they are like a tidal wave of people running out to the Spin Zone.

10:42 - Nondor just called, all slurring. "'m rrrrdy nohw." I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was getting ready at a bar. "I have pertinent information to share. My comptrzzz top is down and when ts up it hibernates. But I have the page up!"