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Vice Blog

Dear Vice - Near-Death Shit

Dear Vice,
So I woke up this morning with terrible abdominal cramps, like diarrhea about to explode everywhere. I run to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and open a book and wait for the deluge….and nothing happens. I'm just sitting there in pain and after a few minutes of mild straining my head gets a bit light. The next thing I remember is feeling cold bathroom tile against my cheek. I fucking passed out on the toilet and fell face first to the floor. When I came to, I didn't know where I was. I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. My right cheekbone and the bridge of my nose were swollen bright red because I had broken my fall with my face. I was all scared and disoriented and I hear my wife yelling, "Are you OK?" I quickly figured out that I had somehow or another just tried to take a big morning shit and the strain of it nearly killed me. Is there a less dignified death? Naked, with your shitty ass in the air?
I feel fine now, but goddamn. That's no way to start your day.
MATT HOLTZCLAW