Learning to disguise a textbook vandalised by a cartoon penis is a must-have skill in 96% of all British secondary schools.
What the fuck do you do all day at school? I mean, A Levels and GCSEs are getting easier every year and no one fails them any more. There's nowhere to do sport because every playing field has been sold to a supermarket. And no one gets taught because all the teachers are crackheads who buy rocks off their own pupils. Oh I know, you bully and kick the shit out of each other, so you have to know all the playground laws which can be enforced with such severity they can hurt more than the knife Scum Dave keeps hidden in his trousers.
1. Actually, my mum's in a wheelchair.
A one-off defence to a parental insult. Alternatively, your father might be dead. Warning: This defence only works against children who give a shit. The more deranged or sociopathic children may say "Good", or "So's my dad, and he's fucking your mum in hell, and she's going oo,oo, harder".
2. Are you a bummer tied to a tree?
Ask someone whether they are a bummer tied to a tree. After a moment's thought, their response will generally be "no". Because they're obviously not, you see? This gives you the opportunity to run away, screaming at the top of your voice, "BUMMER ON THE LOOSE!"
French word for building; also amusingly sounds like the West Indian slang for homosexual, batty man. If you are taking German instead of French, you aren't without fun gay words: the German for ambassador is Botschafter.
4. B.T. Baracus
A child who was too poor to have a landline in their house, and was forced to use payphones. It could be added that the phone box was actually their home, and that attempts on Record Breakers to fit as many people into a phonebox as possible was actually their family coming around for Christmas.
5. Clarence Boddicker
A villain from the film Robocop, and the first quotable hero for many children. If you have ever pushed someone over and said "Can you fly, Bobby?" or if you've said "Bitches—leave!" to your modern-day wife's friends, then you have Clarence Boddicker to thank.
6. Haircut 100
A semi-popular band of the 80s. Said to any child arriving at school with a severe haircut. The number rises if the haircut is particularly savage, or ridiculous.
Just because you've got hair around your lips doesn't mean you have to talk like a cunt. When said to a bearded teacher, will result in at least one detention.
What not to call the chemistry teacher in class, or any other time for that matter. Unless, by some strange quirk of fate she is your mum, but that's such a diseased idea that would make you her uncle or something.
9. Nan flaps
The swinging flap of chunkmeat that hangs from dinner ladies' upper arms. Also known as bingo wings.
Trevor is the standard name by which tramps are known, because they both begin with the letters ‘Tr'. Add the surname of the person you are insulting for a highly personalised Trevor insult. For example, if you are insulting Chris Holmes: "Ooww, Trevor Holmes, can't afford no food, lives in a skip, Trevor Holmes."
These are from a new book called The Law Of The Playground by Jonathan Blyth (£6.99, Ebury Press). It's out now. playgroundlaw.com